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Friday, April 13, 2012

Catalyst

When I first started this blog, I alluded to some major life events that led to me taking the drastic step to quit my job and pursue a career in medicine.

And these were:  my second and third miscarriages and the toll they had on my health, both physical and mental, as well as the indirect affect on my marriage and overall happiness.

Its hard when you are 26 and have had 3 miscarriages. I always thought that the first miscarriage I had was just bad luck. But after the third one I started to worry that there was something wrong with me. It seemed so unfair, I'm young and healthy and I wanted those babies so badly - why did it keep happening to me?

Looking back especially after that third miscarriage I was desperately unhappy. Nothing seemed to be going well with my life, even though on the outside it looked great. I had a gorgeous kid, great new house, a handsome husband, a prestigious career. I acted normally around family and friends because I didn't want anyone to worry about me and kept telling myself it will get better.

However I hated my job (and was stuck with it as I had signed a commitment to stay for 2 years in return for my relocation costs from Australia) but had no idea what else I would want to do. Nothing CA related really appealed to me. I felt a bit desperate about my future and hated the uncertainty of what I should do with my life. In a sense the pregnancy was a bit of a relief as I thought it would buy me time to think about it.

Then I had that third miscarriage and never really properly had time to grieve it (nor the one before it). I had the D&C on a Friday and was back at work on the Monday, having convinced myself that I needed to get on with my life as soon as possible (and because I felt guilty having had already taken a week off because of all my doctors visits, ultrasounds etc). Looking back, I think I was legitimately depressed. The amount of times I broke down crying at work would be embarrassing if I hadn't gone through what I had and I really had a hard time keeping it together.

The emotional toll the miscarriage had compounded the unhappiness I felt from my dislike of my job. Jordan, I think just felt a bit helpless because I was constantly sad - and bitching about how I hate my job, how there was something wrong with me that I couldn't seem to stay pregnant. It definitely took a toll on our marriage for a while because I started to internalize my feelings when I noticed how he seemed to be a bit tired of hearing me complain about it. And I resented him for it.

At the time I started this blog, I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet, other than with a few close friends and family and just didn't want it to be "public" knowledge. I was still just too raw emotionally and needed time to do its thing before I could discuss it.

Its weird how things work out. If I hadn't had those miscarriages maybe I wouldn't have quit. Maybe I wouldn't have been pushed to my emotional limits so much that I couldn't bare it anymore. I probably wouldn't have been pushed to such an uncomfortable state in my life that I had to change it. For the first time I started to think about what I really, really wanted to do and I kept coming back to medicine.

So in many ways that miscarriage was the catalyst for making this change and putting me on this course. It has also made my marriage stronger as I saw just how much Jordan's support of everything has meant to me - what great evidence of how much he loves me and wants me to be happy. Because let me tell you, supporting your spouse through such a commitment is HARD. And yet he has not wavered with his support. He told me that he's willing to move wherever I get in, be it Kingston, Ontario or back to Australia.

Even if it doesn't work out I feel like the process has been healing for me in many ways and I'm grateful for that.

2 comments:

  1. (directed here from PM101, I'm surprised I never noticed your blog before! hmmmmmmmm.)

    You're a very strong woman!I'm glad you were able to draw something good out of your painful experiences. Good luck on the road to becoming a physician!

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