I don't know if its the weather (bitterly cold, smoggy) or because I had a roughish night last night, but I'm at a point now where the novelty has worn off a bit and I'm feeling it.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE this program. So much. I love every class, even the classes that other people hate or think are useless. Every day I'm convinced over again that this is where I belong. That I was meant to do this.
But one thing I find harder is being away from the kids, even though this morning I was happy to escape. Last night's interrupted sleep made me grumpy and impatient and so not in the mood to deal with missing Lego Ninjago pieces, uncharged cell phones and a whiney toddler while trying to get ready for a long day.
However I just had three weeks off to spend with them and it was nice to be there for them. Timing worked out and I got to go to some school plays, take them out for hot chocolates and read every night. And it was nice not to have to rush too much to get out of the house and sleep in a bit.
And next week my husband is taking the younger two off to visit his family in New Zealand for a month and it makes my heart tighten when I think of them being away from me. I already miss them, tantrums and all. But I'm also a bit relieved that I'll have more time to devote to school. This semester is a killer and a lot of courses I have are front-loaded.
I guess I've been feeling guilty about this in a way that I wasn't when I first started the program. My oldest had an issue at school and I wonder if its somehow my fault because I'm not around as much. My middle asked me why I have to be away so much and when I explained that I'm learning how to be a doctor, he flat out said "I DON'T WANT YOU to be a doctor mummy. I miss you." I feel bad about missing out on the trip to New Zealand and that my husband will need to put them into daycare for a few hours a day when he has to work. I realize its all because of my decision to go to medical school.
Sigh. I know this is normal. I know I'm allowed to be selfish and I deserve to follow this dream. But it doesn't make it easier.
