My Doctor Reading List

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

This is gonna be painful

I'm so mad at myself right now. My first attempt at the MCAT is on Saturday and really, I shouldn't even bother taking it. I'm only really taking it at this point because a) I've paid for it and can't get a refund if I cancel and b) I'm secretly hoping for a small miracle that I guess correctly enough to get a 9. For the verbal reasoning section I might be ok but I know I'm screwed for biological sciences and I'm probably going to get a 3 in physical sciences. Seriously, its that bad.

And its all my fault. I had a course, which I didn't take advantage of enough. I had TIME which is a luxury and that so many people would kill for. I'm just disorganized and when push came to shove, I just didn't study enough.

I have some "excuses" but who cares? This is all on me and I've let myself down. I knew I wouldn't be prepared by this point but I didn't think I'd be THIS unprepared. I don't know why I couldn't motivate myself enough to study just that little bit more. I'd let myself be distracted by thoughts of being a doctor, browsing med school web pages, forums and blogs instead of doing the things I need to do to actually get in, like STUDYING FOR THE MCAT.

I know I wrote in a previous post that I'd not be too hard on myself...but deep down I know I could have done more, even with everything that is going on in my life. And it scares me because I wonder, if I didn't put the effort in for this, the MCAT which is so important, does that mean that deep down I also don't want it? Because I feel like I do, I really do want this and yet I'm NOT proving it. At least, I'm not proving it to myself.

I guess I'm lucky because I still have the time to redeem myself. I'm going to take next week off and try and come up with a reasonable study schedule so that I can rewrite some time in August - I think my worst mistake was thinking I could study everything in 6 weeks. So unreasonable - and not only because I have a husband and child but because I am not one of those that can focus for 6-8 hours per day every day, which is what would have been required for that 6 week schedule to work. A perfect study schedule (for me) would be 2-3 hours per day MAX with an exam day thrown in once a week for practice.

But UGH.

4 comments:

  1. I know how you feel. I was pretty much in the exact same situation as you back last summer and my MCAT suffered, which is why I have to take it again this summer. I was so frustrated with myself and the fact that honestly, I could have done way better and probably could have traveled this summer if it wasn't for that damned test. But I also think this experience was necessary for me. Failure was something that I needed to reflect on; something that forced me to rethink my habits, my lifestyle, and priorities. I did better in school the following year and I was more "balanced" with school and life.

    But I'm not saying prepare for failure! I hope you succeed; really I do. It's just that in the event that you may not get a score that you like, don't be so down. It's merely a small obstacle to a bright future. And besides, you can always write it again :)

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  2. Thanks, honestly that means a lot to me. I really needed to vent but also just wanted to be honest with myself. This process is so hard - like I knew it would be - but living it is something else. I just need to buck up and get my ass in gear :) Hopefully after Saturday I'll be able to shake it off and get back up on the horse.

    Good luck to you too!

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  3. I went through the same darn thing with the GREs. I am NOT a standardized test-taker - never have been. And I create so much anxiety for myself around these types of tests and totally psych myself out. I know that if I want to eventually get a PhD, I'll really need to figure out how to take this test, and take it well, but I'll likely be back in the same boat, re-taking the prep course and half-assing my studying. I totally get it. I did the same thing to myself and I knew I could have done a lot better. And like Kelvin said: you can always write it again - you're still young and have time on your side :)

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  4. Thanks Ames! It's always reassuring to hear that others have similar struggles...that it's normal.

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