Failure

I got my second MCAT test results back. And I did worse. Worse than I expected and WORSE THAN BEFORE. I knew I would do worse in the sciences (except I remained the same in Physical Sciences) but my verbal reasoning score went down.

I'm sitting in tears now as I write this because my score is now so low I'm sure I don't stand a single chance, not at McMaster, not anywhere.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish I never re-wrote.

I feel like such a failure.

Catching up

MCAT attempt #2 is done and now I need to spend some time catching up in other areas of my life. Need to catch up on work, finish up my applications for med school and plan, plan, plan for some major changes coming to my life!

Back soon...

Losing steam

The last few days I feel like I've lost a lot of steam, a lot of the drive I had when I decided to pursue medicine.

A few things have changed in my life and with that, my perspective. I'm beginning to question what the right path for me is.

Plus, I'm just SO SICK of studying for the MCAT. Yesterday, I did a practice verbal and I got a 9. Which, at this point in time, is terrible. Terrible for me and just made me really doubt myself. I want to get a least a 10 or higher. My GPA is slightly lower than the mean for Mac for last year and the mean MCAT was 10.58 or something. Unless I kill the Casper test, then my shot, my one and only shot, seems very unlikely.

Also, I'm getting really sick on the online premed forums. Except for a handful of users and some excellent tips, most of the people on it seem like spoiled, sheltered, naive brats or just assholes. Complaining that the system is unfair - like it should be designed so that they would be accepted and not, oh, whoever best meets the NEEDS OF OUR COMMUNITIES. Do I think I could be a great doctor? Absolutely. Do you hear me whining about how unfair the process is? No. Because I can't change it and whining isn't going to get me in. Why don't other people see that? Or people so clearly obsessed with how much money doctors make. Or those who truly and honestly see being a doctor as the most superior profession out there. And one person today who I think has made me decide to just swear off the forums all together, some jackass complaining about natives getting special treatment but then not knowing what a reserve is. Seriously, face-palm.

Ugh. Do I really want to be surrounded by these people for 6+ years? And I thought investment bankers were bad.

I want my positive mood back! That and my confidence that I can do better on the MCAT. I'm going to take a couple practice tests today and then the real thing will be determined tomorrow when I write.

MCAT study dilemma

My second attempt at the MCAT is just over a month away and again, I'm not at the stage of being really ready. I think I'll do better this time, but not well enough to get a great score or balanced score.

So I'm facing a bit of a dilemma - do I just give it my best and study like mad for all the sections to MAYBE (by some miracle) get a good enough score to apply to 3 universities that I'm eligible to apply to (based on my GPA, prerequisites and location) OR do I just skim over the sciences and really focus on the verbal reasoning section, to increase my chances at the one university that only looks at the verbal score (which I got average for on my first attempt without really studying)?

I'm starting to lean towards option #2 - why? Because this school is my first choice anyway, its the closest to where I live now and because I really like that its a 3 year program. Also, because I think that I really COULD nail the verbal with a lot of practice.

However, the idea of not studying the other sections makes me a bit uneasy...it just goes against my nature to completely abandon studying certain sections of the exam. I want to do well on it all! But realistically, for the other two universities, I have to do exceptionally well on the other sections too, since unfortunately, these two schools have high MCAT cut-offs.

Sigh.

Back up plan

This weekend my husband invited a couple of his friends and their wives over to our family cottage to discuss some business ideas. He and his friends are all sick of their jobs or just sick of working for someone else, they decided to try and come up with something of their own*.

I have to say, listening to them talk about it got my ambitions juices going. It gave me hope that if med school doesn't work out, that there really might be something else out there for me. Don't get me wrong, medicine is still something that I really want - and in fact because my husband wants to take the risk of going on his own it would be great for me to have a steady job to ensure our family would be comfortable.

On a different note, we are here at the cottage for the whole week since Jordan's parents are visiting us from New Zealand so I've taken my study materials with me to study for the MCAT. It's really taking a LOOONNGGG time to get through the material but I feel happy because at least I'm really starting to understand the material and I only wish I had more time to study. I have a feeling I won't be ready for this second attempt either and it will take a third try to get it right. But it's ok. I'm 99.9% convinced I'm NOT going to make it this year (since I will only be able to apply to one university) which means I will have all of next year to take prerequisites for other universities, beef up my volunteering and, if necessary, study for the MCAT again.


*Of course we are at the cottage so the brainstorming did include consuming fairly large quantities of beer while sitting on the deck, so after a while the discussion went from discussing business ideas to discussing the type of office they would have and the requirements (which include a fire man's pole, a ball pit and dress themes they would have every week).

Back in the true north, strong and free!

I've been back in Canada for a couple days now and and loving the hot weather we are having.

I had an absolutely fabulous time in Poland though and do miss it already. That's the thing about Europe - culture exudes from every corner. I love how I could be walking somewhere and stumble upon a significant war memorial or beautiful church. The history of the country, both the good (the gorgeous churches and other architecture that's been reconstructed since WWII) and the ugly (the communist era buildings), is something that I just love.

It was also so exciting to be there during Euro 2012! I was, however, sad to read so much negative press in Canadian media about racism and violence because there honestly wasn't that much - and there has definitely been less than most other soccer matches. I remember reading in Victoria Beckham's autobiography (don't judge me, I was a huge Spice Girls fan as a kid and Posh was my favorite) about the taunts that were yelled at David Beckham during Manchester United matches - cruel things about his family, how they hoped his kid/wife would get cancer and many other horrible things. Recently in Egypt fans were killed after a soccer match because of the rowdy fans. But I went to the Poland vs Russia match and the atmosphere was amazing, people only yelling positive things about the team they were supporting, not negative things about the other team (at least where I was sitting) and after the game Polish and Russian fans shook hands, exchanged jerseys and congratulated each other on a good match. I wish that at least some of THAT was mentioned in addition to reporting the minimal violence. But I guess this was the Canadian media's way of making up for the Stanley Cup riots in Vancouver.

But I digress. It's a bit of a shame that it would be hard to come back to Canada after doing med school in Poland cause I think I would really enjoy being there. In all honesty, if I didn't have Tubes and Jordan to think about, I probably WOULD try there. And I'd be ok with staying there or moving to somewhere else in the EU afterwards. My shadowing experiences there really opened my eyes up to the fact that medicine does exist in other parts of world, and that it exists on an equally high level (though if I said this on a Canadian med forum I'd probably end up banned).

I'm just so frustrated right now with having to study for the MCAT - God, I can't wait to till its over so I can stop being such a broken record! As it stands it looks like I'll only be able to apply to one university this application cycle and it's one that only cares about the verbal reasoning score (which I did OK on in my first attempt). But I still want to get it over with - and I can always write it again (though I shudder at the thought).

The next few days are going to be busy as I'm going to have to get ready for my in-laws from New Zealand who are coming to stay with us (read - clean entire house), run a bunch of errands as we are going up to my family cottage for a week and try to squeeze in some studying as well.

Anyway, here is to a great summer even if I DO have to study for most of it. Cheers!

Trust myself

I'm going back to Canada in 6 days and I really wanted to be further along with my MCAT study than I am. So my mom suggested that I skip out on my cousin's birthday BBQ today while she and my dad took my son along with them, leaving me to take advantage of some peace and quiet to study.

I decided that I really want to focus on doing MCAT problems and not just reading the text books, like I did last time, since I think that especially for physics (what I'm focusing on at the moment) its the only way to really learn to do well on the MCAT.

But over an HOUR into doing ONE problem, I was sitting here, almost in tears, because I just couldn't get it. I kept looking at the answer key and the explaination and it just DID NOT make sense! I would flip back through the text book and re-read the same thing, than look at the problem and then the answer again.

Before I flung my textbook out of the window, I decided to take a deep breath, make myself some tea (and sneak a piece of cheesecake*) to see if it would help clear my head a bit.

And while I was sipping my tea, I remembered that my the physics prof from my MCAT course had at one point in time sent us an email to alert us that there were a couple of errors in our review book. I immediately found that email and lo and behold, but the question I had been stuggling with was the very first on his list and the reasoning was exactly what didn't make sense (basically, they had a typo in the formula they used in their answer key).

I was so relieved but also a bit annoyed with myself. Wasn't it Einstien who said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over but hoping for a different result each time? Why didn't I trust my intelligence enough to realize it was a mistake and just move on? Instead I've wasted a whole hour of child-free studying - which any student parent will tell you is priceless.

Anyway, I think that to be successful I really need to start believing in myself more.

Ok, now back to studying - I want to get enough done so I can watch some of the Euro 2012 matches tonight guilt free!


*About a week ago I started the South Beach diet, Phase 1 to help me shed some of the weight I've gained since being in Poland (bread here is amazing and there is no such thing as low fat/low calorie products plus my parents have been having dinners parties almost every night since I've arrived). I wish I'd read that email BEFORE succumbing to the sugar (absolutely not allowed during this phase of the diet).

Dusting off

As part of my attempt to refocus and reatrategize my prep for the MCAT, I hired tutors for physics, biology and chem (already have a great Ochem one back home). This was actually my mom's idea and she actually found the contact info for my science teacher from middle school (!!) who still teaches at that school and who said she would be happy to give me some tutoring in and recommended some of her colleges for the other sciences.

So far I've had two physics sessions and they were really great. I'm loving this tutor and wish I had taken physics at university cause I really do enjoy it and he told m that I really do have a good head for physics, but that I need to practice more to get the theory more stuck in my hear. At the moment it's all swimming around in my head but at least I "get" physics.

Anyway...I feel a bit more positive about my potential for the next attempt at the MCAT (though I still will try t defer it for a later date if possible).

Most of my shadowing opportunities are done, just one day left. I've decided to opt out of watching the brain surgery as I had a little ethical dilemma about it...I put myself in the shoes of the patient and thought that while at a teaching hospital I'm ok with observing along with other students but obviously wouldn't have any contact with the patient. But the even though the neurosurgeon is the head of his department and has given me permission, it's not a teaching hospital that he works at, therefore I don't think it's fair for me to watch. I don't know if I'd want a random person observing in that situation. In any case I will have more time to study and I intend to use it well.

Looks like I'm rewriting :(

I got my score back and it was pretty much what I expected (I.e. crap). Sigh. I'm not disappointed per se... OK fine, I AM disappointed. But mostly because it means that I have to rewrite and I really, really don't want to.

I totally deserve what I got. And the only silver lining is that it was still the highest score I've ever received compared to all the practice tests I've taken (but don't take this to mean that it was good, it wasn't - it was below 30 - by a lot). But it sucks to have to face this reality.

The only section I did really well in was in the writing section, which of course is the one section no one cares about. I was hoping for higher than I got in verbal reasoning but I will admit I just didn't practice nearly enough, especially towards the end of my studying.

Well. So that's that. I've got to pick myself up, dust myself off and try again.

Ugh...results day tomorrow

I realized today that a month has passed since I wrote my MCAT. The realization was followed by a feeling of dread.

However I pushed that feeling aside and when on the AAMC website only to discover that the results won't be available until tomorrow evening (or late at night for me because of the time difference).

So now I'm in suspense. On one hand I really want to know and a part of me (a teeny, weeny part) is still hoping for a miracle but on the other hand I don't want to know because a very big part of me is convinced the score won't be good and it will make rewriting definite as opposed to just probable.

So now I wait...

Swamped!

I've now been here for a week and have already seen and experienced so much! Two days I spent with my mom's friend, the pediatric orthopedic surgeon and today I just finished shadowing a bunch of neonatologists.

So far my schedule looks like this:
Monday & Tuesday - shadowing and observing various neonatologists and pediatrictions.
Wednesday & Thursday - shadowing and assisting the pediatric orthopedic surgeon.
Friday - studying/resting.
Also one Saturday I'll be shadowing a pediatric neurosurgeon, which I think might be very interesting too.

I have to admit, that orthopedics probably isn't something that I find fascinating enough to pursue as a specialty (though it is definitely interesting, its not something I think would be for me day in and day out), based on what I've seen so far. Also, speaking with the doctor, she told me in general there are very few women in orthopedics - even in pediatric orthopedics because its physically very hard and the surgeon has to be very strong. She said its especially true now that children and youth (since pediatrics treat up to the age of 18) are often overweight and its just hard to get to the broken bones. Not that this in itself would discourage me if I was truly passionate, but I'm more interest in illnesses I think as well as preventative care.

Neonatal however, is a different story. I love babies and thought it would be hard to see so many sick babies. But even though I did see some sick babies (which I will elaborate on in a minute) it didn't put me off at all and its amazing to see these little things, some born as early as 25 weeks (when the normal gestation period is 40 weeks) thrive. So far, I love it and think I would enjoy working with newborns -  both healthy and ill. But obviously its too soon to make that kind of call (let's get into medical school first!).

Anyway, I was lucky to see a set of twins, born a few minutes before I saw them, at 29 weeks via an emergency C-section. They had something called "Twin-to-twin Trasfusion Syndrome" , which is a rare condition and has a high mortality rate. I watched as the doctors interested IV's into them via their belly buttons and start treating them. It's amazing that these little ones are alive, especially after doing a bit of research about the condition. Apparently, the mother (who has had a miscarriage and then had a child die of a heart defect at age 20 months) wasn't aware that her twins had this problem and had come in for a routine follow-up. The head of the Neonatal unit at the hospital that I'm shadowing at was very concerned, as this is usually a problem that is discovered much earlier in the pregnancy, during a time when some treatments can be applied - but at 29 weeks it was too late, so they had to deliver the babies.

I'm going back tomorrow morning and am curious to see how they are faring. They were both stable when I left and I pray that they are going to be ok. While at the hospital, I read many letters and cards from parents who had children born so early (one set of twin at 24 weeks!) with updates on how their children are doing 6, 7+ years later. I was very uplifting to see.

Unfortunately, as a result of my busy, busy schedule, my MCAT studying has been sadly lagging and I'm going to have to figure out how to balance everything. The first two days I was so jetlagged and then was thrown into the shadowing immediately and I've been returning totally exhausted. I didn't expect such an overwhelming response from all these doctors and now have too much planned! But I'll take it as this has been as an amazing experience and I'm lucky to be able to see it all.

My week off

I'm taking this week off from all things med school related. I need a break and need to catch up on a bunch of administrative stuff. I need to catch up on my work, need to sort out some sort of childcare for Tubes for before/after school (my baby is starting kindergarten in September!) and just do some stuff around the house I've been meaning to for a while, but never felt I could justify doing instead of studying. Like organizing this one drawer in my kitchen that's full of random documents, hanging some pictures on the wall in my living room and preparing for my trip to Poland in 2 weeks. I also want to do something for me, like get my hair cut and get a massage.

Lastly, I want to develop a good, realistic study schedule for MCAT attempt #2 (and need to register for it as well). My definitely learned my lesson with being too optimistic. I need to make sure my schedule is not too daunting and has enough buffer room in case my son gets sick, to factor in in-law entertaining (they are visiting us from New Zealand for a month) and for those days when I just can't be bothered.

Anyway, I'm sure this week is going to go by really quickly so am going to enjoy myself as much as I can.

MCAT - 1st attempt done

So I just finished writing the MCAT. It went as well as expected (i.e. terribly).

That being said...I feel surprisingly good right now. I feel proud of myself for actually doing it - actually writing the MCAT. And even though doing those questions that I clearly didn't know the answers to most, I did understand for the most part what was being asked - which is a huge improvement. I remember when I did my first practice exam, I literally had no clue what was going on. None of the questions made any sense to me and I would guess them all. I was especially surprised at myself regarding the chemistry questions - I was actually able to work through them and I think get the right answer.

I'm mostly a little worried about the verbal section since I got stuck on a really hard passage and then ended up having to guess on one completely (and it looked easier) but I guess we'll see. Also because I really have no excuse to do badly in verbal. I'll be honest - I'll be very disappointed if I get anything lower than a 10 in verbal.

I was a little tempted to void my score when I got to the end, and I DID hesitate for a second - but I still want to KNOW how I did and see where I stand, so I didn't. Anyway, I'll find out in 30 days.

Now I'm going to go out for dinner with friends, forget about everything and hope for the best.

I think I'm getting sick

Not sure if its due to pent up stress and general roller coaster of emotions I've been feeling lately, but today I had to leave the library (after a really decent O-chem study session) earlier than planned this afternoon because I was feeling like crap. Sudden on set of a headache, my throat sore and lymph nodes swollen. I checked in the mirror and my throat is red and tonsils have ballooned. I even thought I was going to puke when I got home but luckily that nauseated feeling passed after I sat on the couch for a while.

If my Saturday exam was "for real" I'd be really nervous now, but honestly at this point all I can do is shrug my shoulders and just hope whatever I have passes before Saturday because I don't want to be sitting in a room feeling like crap for 5+ hours.

Anyway, am going to eat another peanut butter cookie my husband made, watch Modern Family and go to be early.

This is gonna be painful

I'm so mad at myself right now. My first attempt at the MCAT is on Saturday and really, I shouldn't even bother taking it. I'm only really taking it at this point because a) I've paid for it and can't get a refund if I cancel and b) I'm secretly hoping for a small miracle that I guess correctly enough to get a 9. For the verbal reasoning section I might be ok but I know I'm screwed for biological sciences and I'm probably going to get a 3 in physical sciences. Seriously, its that bad.

And its all my fault. I had a course, which I didn't take advantage of enough. I had TIME which is a luxury and that so many people would kill for. I'm just disorganized and when push came to shove, I just didn't study enough.

I have some "excuses" but who cares? This is all on me and I've let myself down. I knew I wouldn't be prepared by this point but I didn't think I'd be THIS unprepared. I don't know why I couldn't motivate myself enough to study just that little bit more. I'd let myself be distracted by thoughts of being a doctor, browsing med school web pages, forums and blogs instead of doing the things I need to do to actually get in, like STUDYING FOR THE MCAT.

I know I wrote in a previous post that I'd not be too hard on myself...but deep down I know I could have done more, even with everything that is going on in my life. And it scares me because I wonder, if I didn't put the effort in for this, the MCAT which is so important, does that mean that deep down I also don't want it? Because I feel like I do, I really do want this and yet I'm NOT proving it. At least, I'm not proving it to myself.

I guess I'm lucky because I still have the time to redeem myself. I'm going to take next week off and try and come up with a reasonable study schedule so that I can rewrite some time in August - I think my worst mistake was thinking I could study everything in 6 weeks. So unreasonable - and not only because I have a husband and child but because I am not one of those that can focus for 6-8 hours per day every day, which is what would have been required for that 6 week schedule to work. A perfect study schedule (for me) would be 2-3 hours per day MAX with an exam day thrown in once a week for practice.

But UGH.

Some positive news

One of the reasons I've been feeling so discouraged is because I realized that with my lack of pre-requisites and potentially terrible MCAT score, I'd be left with pretty much one university to apply to. Its my second choice (but only due to location, the program itself is my first choice) but its also the hardest to get into in Ontario because of its favorable admissions requirements (low GPA min, only verbal score of MCAT counts etc) so way more people apply there than other universities.

But today I found out that for the 2013 application cycle, an awesome university has abolished their pre-requisites requirements AND don't have any MCAT cut-offs! Mind you, that doesn't mean I can tank the MCAT (they will have their own internal cut-off for sure) but just the knowledge that they won't toss my application because of one bad number is uplifting (and the fact that they take your best MCAT score only). And this ironically makes me more motivated to study harder. Also, I have heard that they really value extra-curricular activities highly and I think mine are pretty solid. That's one thing I'm really grateful to my undergrad for - we were required to keep a certain level of activities during the year, so at least I tick that box.

So all in all...feeling  a bit better about it all today.

Feeling discouraged

I'm feeling really discouraged today and having one of those "what the HELL am I doing?!?!?" moments. Honestly, the MCAT is scaring me so much that I've started researching other options if I don't get accepted here, such as applying to Australia where my GPA is higher, MCAT minimums are lower and competition (for international spots) is less fierce, but its also not without its downside.

The reality is that it takes the average Canadian applicant 2.7 attempts to get accepted - and as a "below" average candidate (I'm being realistic), I'm sure it would take me longer to up my ante, unless I'm extremely lucky. And I don't want to wait 3 more years! I feel like my life is on hold until I know if I get in or not and I can't "not know" for 3+ years. Its just not fair to my family, and I don't think I could take it.

At first I was really excited about the prospect of Australia. I've lived there before and really enjoyed it. Yes, it was hard being away from family and friends but at least I know what its like, and if I went to Brisbane, I already have some family and friends there already. I think I'd get a great education and luckily even if I were to do my residency over there I'd be able to come back and practice here in Canada without redoing a residency (in family medicine). Also, as the wife and mother of New Zealand citizens, I could actually get permanent residency standing in Australia very easily, which would allow me to do my medical residency training, if I were to not match in Canada or if we decided to stay. It also qualifies me for cheaper tuition.

That being said, after doing some research I've since found out that while I am able to apply as an international student and can switch over to being a PR/domestic student, the tuition benefits are not as great as they initially appeared to be. That is because domestic students get what is called CSPs (Commonwealth Supported Places), which are heavily subsidized by the government. But, the only way to qualify for that would be to become a PR first (meaning I'd have to move there first) and then apply in the same manner as Australian's - which is again very competitive, plus I'd have to write the GAMSAT (the Aussie version of the MCAT) and would have to physically attend interviews (as an international I could have my interview via Skype). If I were to apply as an international and switch over to PR status, I'd only qualify for a "full-fee" paying spot, which is still very expensive (and more than in Canada). I'm still trying to determine exactly what the cost of doing this in Australia would be but I'm worried that if its too expensive, I'm not sure if I'm willing to do it.

I don't know. Maybe I don't want it badly enough. Maybe my struggles with the MCAT are a sign its not meant for me. I can totally see why some people would give up this dream because, man is this hard.

To write or not to write....

The MCAT. My nemesis.

I've been studying pretty hard for the past two weeks and honestly, things are not looking good. At all. In fact, I had a mini break down the other day because I realized I was falling pretty behind in my schedule and yet still couldn't figure out how to do those projectile motion physics problems. I just kept getting them wrong and all I could think about was how the prep course physics instructor kept reminding us that its a majorly important concept for the MCAT and serves as a foundation for future topics.

I realized how much I still have to learn, not just review and honestly, I know I can't learn it all before the exam. Its physically impossible.

Jordan thinks that I should just not write in April and post-pone it till August and I'm strongly leaning in that direction. But on the other hand, I have already paid for the test and won't get a full refund if I cancel- so I'm also leaning towards just writing it and basically treating it as a trial run. Who knows, I might get lucky (though that's wishful thinking - I think the same thing each time I buy a lottery ticket and so far, the most I've won was $120). I don't think it would be a wasted experience and I think it will keep me more focused to still study and not lose steam by having to write it in 4 weeks. But I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to rewrite the goddamned thing. And that sucks.

I'm just realizing how major of an undertaking I've taken upon myself and however optimistic I was about doing it all in a year, its just not possible. I've had to reassess some of my goals. Like the Life Science pre-requisites for one university that I was planning on taking. I still have 1.5 full-time course equivalents to go and if I need to re-write the MCAT, there is no way that I'll be able to do them. So I may actually just end up NOT applying to the one university that I wanted to go to the most. But its that, or NONE, because if my MCAT sucks, I have no chances anywhere.

In any case, please send out good vibes my way on April 28th. Cause I'm desperately going to need them.

And...panic!

Ok, so I'm officially starting to panic. The MCAT is just over 6 weeks away and I'm no where CLOSE to being prepared.

I mean, yes I have been taking my prep course but for so much of it I'm learning these concepts from scratch - they aren't a refresher for me like for some many people in my course who have done a degree in the sciences. And when I think about how the MCAT is a relative exam, it makes me panic more. How the HELL am I going to be competitive when I'm going to be up against people for whom this will be second nature?

Ok, I'll be honest. My studying (other than attending my course) has not been as good as it should have been. I think a lot has to do with knowing how to focus my studying. Should I be re-doing my readings? Just pounding out practice problems (which is difficult if I don't fully understand the concept)? A mixture of both? I just don't know and I was hoping that the course I'm taking would give us more in that department. So I've kind of been doing a bit of everything and its just not been effective. Plus I just haven't been putting in the amount of hours that I should have. I'm still volunteering twice a week, still have a family to take care of. Balancing it all has just not been easy. Its an excuse for sure - but excuses aren't going to get me into med school. I know that its not harder for me than other people, or at least its not THAT much harder. There are others who have had way more hurdles to over come and managed to succeed, so there is no reason why I shouldn't either.

So I'm going to start stepping it up a notch. I think my aim will be to focus on a subject a day and spend a part of the day redoing the readings and refreshing the concepts and the other part just pounding away at practice problems. I don't know if this is the best approach, but its AN approach and I need to stick to something now before its too late.

But I'm still really, really daunted by this and where I'm sitting right now I don't have a good feeling about it. I'm going to give it my best shot and if I do really terribly at least I can try again before this application cycle. Though I'm slowly preparing myself that I'm just going to end up trying again next year.

STUPID MCAT. Honestly, if it weren't for the MCAT I think I'd have a fighting chance, I really do. But I guess everyone has a weak spot that if eliminated, would give them a better chance too - and since I obviously can't change the system I have to accept it and make the best of it.

Anyway, if anyone out there is reading this and has ANY suggestions, please send them to me!

MCAT prep

An important requirement for most medical schools in Canada is the MCAT, which is a mostly multiple choice based exam that covers biological sciences (biology and organic chemistry), physical sciences (physics and general chemistry), has a "verbal reasoning" section and a writing sample. I heard that in 2015 they are totally revamping the exam, however, as that is still like 4 years away, I'm not going to go into those details.

Anyway, given that currently I'm only taking Biology at the university level (and all the sciences will be tested on a first year university knowledge level) and the last time I took chem or physics was literally over a decade ago, I knew that I needed to take a course in order to prepare me for this exam.

A friend recommended one and said that you can go from zero knowledge (which is pretty much where I am in terms of knowledge) to a decent score.

I have to admit though that the MCAT is the one thing that really worries me. My GPA is ok, my extra-curriculars are decent (and I keep reading about stuff that others post and remember, oh yeah! I did that too! I also got that scholarship etc).

But the MCAT is a different beast and every school has a different requirement (along with their different GPA calculations). And its the one thing that is still undetermined and how I do on it will decide my fate. If I do poorly I may have to kiss my dream of med school goodbye. If I do well in some areas but poorly in others, I may have a chance at a school like U of T which only uses the MCAT as a flag (though still has a minimum requirement). Others like McMaster only look at the score of the verbal reasoning sections but then UWO has a strict MCAT score cut off (i.e. if you get even 1 point below their cut off you will automatically be disqualified).

I think MCAT wise, my best shot will be McMaster. I hope to do really well in the Verbal Reasoning section because its literally just reading a passage and then answering questions. Since I spent a lot of time reading in undergrad and also just for fun I've developed great reading skills (I'm good at picking up important info, I read fast etc). That being said, McMaster looks at ones cumulative GPA - of EVERY SINGLE university course ever taken. Which sucks because as part of my CA requirements, I had to take some online courses but I wasn't too concerned about doing well, I just wanted to pass. And I'm pretty sure most of the marks were in the 70s which will bring down my GPA quite a bit - and I'm nervous that I'll lose my competitiveness. For UWO on the other hand they calculate based on the best 2 years and my GPA there is quite high - but their MCAT cut off is very high and I'm nervous I won't do that well.

But I digress...back to the course itself. So far, its been good - but its also shown me that I'm quite behind in chemistry, especially. Plus I didn't love the teacher. He was nice and funny etc, and he's the only teacher I've had so far that is an actual medical student but he really rushed through it - some people (who've taken chem before) seemed fine but to me it was like he was speaking a different language. Sigh. It means more hard work for me.

The good news is though, that I've been so scared by all this stuff I'm definitely going to be intent on really learning it - whereas if I remembered a lot I think I'd probably get complacent.

Still, its going to be an uphill battle for sure.