So...its been over 6 months since my last blog post. This is mostly related the fact that I gave birth to an absolutely adorable baby boy. He is perfect and we all love him to pieces.
But his birth has reinforced my angst over my not too distant return to work of some sort. I'm still at a total loss as to what I what I want to do - but as I research and discuss possibilities of things I could do with family and friends, I feel like all I do is add to my list of things that I don't want to do. My husband says its a good thing - that eliminating things that I don't want to do will make it easier to narrow down what I do want to do eventually.
My problem is that I think I'm a major snob when it comes to picking something that I should do. I absolutely love being with my new little son and being there to pick up my older son from school and spend time with him as well, that I feel like anything that I choose has to compensate for being away from them. The thought of slaving away in front of a computer creating amortization tables or forecasting cash flows for some random business makes me feel sick. I also don't love the idea of being a cog in some sort of large corporate machine. But I also don't want to be a stay-at-home mom forever. As much as I love my children, and as great of a mom I think I am, being a wife and mother is not enough for me. I need something in my life that is separate from my family. This may be selfish but I feel a void in my life at the moment. I see my husband happy with his work - yes, he is frustrated often, tired from the amount he has to get done, but I see the satisfaction he gets from it. I want, no, I need to have something like this for me too.
And my desire to pursue medicine has returned. Its the only thing that I can I see myself pursuing that I feel would be worth it to me to be away from my family. I know that I should move on, that I should try and develop another passion but that nagging feeling won't go away. I didn't give it my all, there is still PLENTY for me to do to try and get into med school. I'll admit that with my first attempt, I just hoped that what I had done in the past was enough - even knowing deep down that it wasn't. When I read on the pre-med forums about people taking 6 attempts, writing the MCAT 5 times and making all kinds of sacrifices before getting in...I know that to give up now would be accepting failure and defeat much too easily.
So I think that I'll try again. I'm off for maternity leave now (my husband thinks I should wait till September 2014 because he thinks getting a job before the summer might be tricky anyway). This gives me a year (again) to try and amp up my application (boosting ECs, studying for and re-writing the MCAT) and figure out a game plan. I'll have to get a job of some sort but I think it will be easier to settle for something I like that isn't a passion if I still have THIS to pursue. I mean, its going to be harder with a baby to care for but maybe it will make me more efficient with my time.
Well, we will see!