I have 4 days left until I'm DONE with exams and I can't wait. I'm having some real exam fatigue at the moment.
I'm half way done with final exams (two of four done) and have two more to go. Luckily we get our final results really quickly so I know I passed both genetics and biochemistry AND I was pleasantly surprised to get a bump in my final grade in biochemistry because some students who showed an extra effort (attendance at lectures, participation at seminars, actively leading in labs and/or high marks on mid-term exams) got about a 10% increase in their final mark which was pretty awesome for me. Especially since for me biochemistry was the hardest course this year and the exam I feared the most. Plus I was happy that we were given a reward for our hard work and consistency, which is something I find lacking in the program overall. Everything comes down to the final exam and I really think its not the best strategy to test our knowledge. So at least I'm happy with this one course making an exception.
I have physiology and immunology next and they are unfortunately back-to-back. I'm feeling ok about immunology because I really like the subject and really liked my teachers but I have no idea about physiology. Mostly because the course was a bit fat mess with some less-than stellar teachers, cancelled classes, inconsistencies in the test questions and how they were presented in class and in general I feel like the exam will be a crap shoot. Plus we've heard from upper year students that they just recycle old questions so studying for that class is mostly just going over old exam questions and thats boring. I feel like I'm studying to the test and not studying to learn.
In any case I'm just over studying. I've been preparing for finals for six weeks now, with four of those weeks still wrapping up some classes. I'm tired and feel guilty about being away from the kids, plus I MISS them so much. I went home last Tuesday after the biochem exam and took the afternoon and evening off before heading back into town on Wednesday morning and setting up camp in the conference room of my dad's office.
But I have to remind myself that in 4 days I'll be DONE 2nd year and will officially be 1/3 of the way through medical school!
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Thursday, June 6, 2019
Relate
A little while ago as part of our first aid course we were taken around the hospital and the ER to show us the protocol of what happens with ER patients. Part of that tour was showing us where patients are later admitted to ICU.
We saw a few patients, but two stuck out and made me realize how differently I think I look at things compared to some (most) of my younger classmates, because I can relate.
The first was a very young child that has been hospitalized for the past several months due to complications from the flu. And by flu I mean the proper influenza virus, not a GI bug. The little one may or may not live, and the doctor told us at this point in time the prognosis was 50/50. It really hit me and reinforced (again) how important it is to vaccinate, even against the flu and especially how important it is to vaccinate children, because they are the worst affected. But I don't blame the parents here for not vaccinating because I find in Poland the barriers to the flu shot are big and annoying. You have to be very determined (and be able to afford it) to vaccinate for the flu.
The second though, for me was worse. It was another child, though older, with leukemia who was in the ICU due to a different medical complication. However, it wasn't the illness or the suffering of the child that got me - it was the sight of the mother sitting on the chair, next to the bed, holding the child's hand in hers, her head bowed against their chest. For a moment, I felt I was that mother and it was my child in that bed and in just that moment, my heart broke. I could feel that despair and pain of seeing your child who is already suffering and been dealt such a shitty card so early in life, with another issue. The helplessness and emotional exhaustion just radiated from her, yet I feel like I was the only who felt it.
I don't know if this will make me a better or worse doctor. I hope the former. But maybe I will be able to help some of these patients by being able to relate.
And a major realization I felt afterwards is just how important it will be for me to have regular access to mental health support once I start to practice or even once we start clinical classes in earnest. Because as hard as it is to have these feelings, I don't want to become immune to them. I don't want to be able to "just deal".
We saw a few patients, but two stuck out and made me realize how differently I think I look at things compared to some (most) of my younger classmates, because I can relate.
The first was a very young child that has been hospitalized for the past several months due to complications from the flu. And by flu I mean the proper influenza virus, not a GI bug. The little one may or may not live, and the doctor told us at this point in time the prognosis was 50/50. It really hit me and reinforced (again) how important it is to vaccinate, even against the flu and especially how important it is to vaccinate children, because they are the worst affected. But I don't blame the parents here for not vaccinating because I find in Poland the barriers to the flu shot are big and annoying. You have to be very determined (and be able to afford it) to vaccinate for the flu.
The second though, for me was worse. It was another child, though older, with leukemia who was in the ICU due to a different medical complication. However, it wasn't the illness or the suffering of the child that got me - it was the sight of the mother sitting on the chair, next to the bed, holding the child's hand in hers, her head bowed against their chest. For a moment, I felt I was that mother and it was my child in that bed and in just that moment, my heart broke. I could feel that despair and pain of seeing your child who is already suffering and been dealt such a shitty card so early in life, with another issue. The helplessness and emotional exhaustion just radiated from her, yet I feel like I was the only who felt it.
I don't know if this will make me a better or worse doctor. I hope the former. But maybe I will be able to help some of these patients by being able to relate.
And a major realization I felt afterwards is just how important it will be for me to have regular access to mental health support once I start to practice or even once we start clinical classes in earnest. Because as hard as it is to have these feelings, I don't want to become immune to them. I don't want to be able to "just deal".
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