A little while ago as part of our first aid course we were taken around the hospital and the ER to show us the protocol of what happens with ER patients. Part of that tour was showing us where patients are later admitted to ICU.
We saw a few patients, but two stuck out and made me realize how differently I think I look at things compared to some (most) of my younger classmates, because I can relate.
The first was a very young child that has been hospitalized for the past several months due to complications from the flu. And by flu I mean the proper influenza virus, not a GI bug. The little one may or may not live, and the doctor told us at this point in time the prognosis was 50/50. It really hit me and reinforced (again) how important it is to vaccinate, even against the flu and especially how important it is to vaccinate children, because they are the worst affected. But I don't blame the parents here for not vaccinating because I find in Poland the barriers to the flu shot are big and annoying. You have to be very determined (and be able to afford it) to vaccinate for the flu.
The second though, for me was worse. It was another child, though older, with leukemia who was in the ICU due to a different medical complication. However, it wasn't the illness or the suffering of the child that got me - it was the sight of the mother sitting on the chair, next to the bed, holding the child's hand in hers, her head bowed against their chest. For a moment, I felt I was that mother and it was my child in that bed and in just that moment, my heart broke. I could feel that despair and pain of seeing your child who is already suffering and been dealt such a shitty card so early in life, with another issue. The helplessness and emotional exhaustion just radiated from her, yet I feel like I was the only who felt it.
I don't know if this will make me a better or worse doctor. I hope the former. But maybe I will be able to help some of these patients by being able to relate.
And a major realization I felt afterwards is just how important it will be for me to have regular access to mental health support once I start to practice or even once we start clinical classes in earnest. Because as hard as it is to have these feelings, I don't want to become immune to them. I don't want to be able to "just deal".
Your reflectiveness is going to serve you very well throughout the rest of your training. That ability to relate and identify your feelings is important, and I think it does help you connect on a profound level with your patients. Taking care of sick kids when you're a parent is damn hard, it's true. Every kid who has just been dealt crappy cards could just be your kid and you can't help but put yourself in the shoes of the parents. It is a deep and visceral reaction and you're right, it can eat you up if you're not careful to get the right support. But being aware of that is going a long way to managing it.
ReplyDelete