Waiting

 I honestly don't even know where to start.

What a rollercoaster I've been on.

I started this final year of med school just gunning for Canadian medical residency, but with the sure knowledge that I'll have the UK as a back up. Last minute I decided to apply for Irish internship, because why not? Always good to have options.

I ended up doing really well on the NAC, and my score was in the "pass with superior performance" category. However my MCCQE1 score was slightly below average which was a bit disappointing. I needed more time to study for it, but I just didn't have the time. As it was, I took it on the last possible day to take it to make me eligible for the 2023 CaRMS cycle and had already missed the BC special pre-application deadline, and made me out of the running for over 50 Family Medicine spots. In the end, when I compared my scores to those of people who got interviews in the previous match cycle, it seemed my scores were on the low end of competitive, but still competitive enough to get an interview. So I was going into it all full of hope and knowing I have some solid back ups.

But.

Unfortunately, my SJT for the Foundation Programme for the UK experience has been an absolute nightmare. I decided to take the exam on the first available date. Since we were going to New Zealand for Christmas (and because I got a Family Medicine clinical elective in Jordan's home town), I wanted to have it done and ticked off my list. Unfortunately, I had so many technical issues, the proctor asked me if I'd like to just void my exam and retake it later. I agreed. However I had to get approval and by the time I got it, I was already in NZ. I took the retake, again remotely because the closest center was in Sydney and this time all was good. Except for some reason the proctor ended my exam when I was starting the final section. I contacted the exam provider and they admitted the error was theirs and that I can retake the exam. However, the FP said I can't. Even though it wasn't my fault at all. So now I'll probably just end up with a horrible score and as a result, a super low rank.

Then a few days before we were supposed to go back to Poland my eldest son suffered from a spontaneous pneumothorax (which I actually diagnosed myself prior to taking him to the ER). Two weeks later, after being airlifted to the children's hospital in Wellington, and having surgery on both lungs, thankfully he is back home, at my in-laws house, and recovering nicely. But he can't travel for at least 6 weeks. Luckily my husband has a lot of flexibility with his job and can work remotely so he will stay with him, while I go back to Poland with our younger two to resume my final few months of med school.

But through all of this, I had to finalize and submit my CaRMS applications. I also had to take the first part of the Irish internship exam, which I had NO time to study for and no idea if I was able to scrape a 60% to pass it to be eligible for the next round.

I just feel so defeated. Today I discovered a lot of people who applied for the Ontario family medicine programs got interview invites and I haven't received one yet. I'm getting legitimately scared I'll graduate without a single job offer, in spite of the fact that I had two (what I thought) solid back ups. 

Anyway, maybe it will all workout and all this worry and stress will have been for nothing. But at the moment, I'm feeling pretty low.