And just like that

I'm just a bit over a month away from starting my final year of med school. Its crazy how quickly the time has gone. 

But honestly, the last year of med school doesn't even seem that important right now. Because so much has been going on and is going. 

Refugee crisis is on going and even though most of the people we had been housing have moved on, either back to Ukraine or moved to Canada, the US or UK, we still have one person with us. However, she is also Canada bound, having received notification of her visa approval this morning.

I'll be honest - I'm relieved that we will have the house back to ourselves because this past year has been exhausting. I don't regret a thing and would do it again without a thought, but its was a huge effort. One day, maybe I'll write it all out. But for now, I just need some peace.

And unfortunately, some of the collateral damage has been my ability to study for the Canadian licensing exam and the required exam, the NAC, that I need to take as an IMG applying to Canada. The chaos, the demands on my time and general stress of the responsibility for so many people really took a toll on me. I gained like 15 lbs, I got Covid for the second time (it was inevitable as only one of the Ukrainians was vaccinated). I got so behind on my study plan and missed out on the ability to do a clinical GP elective in the UK (I tested positive for Covid the day before I was due to start the elective). 

I was scheduled to take both the exams in September, however now I'm just going to do the NAC, as not taking it would result in a failed mark and I would have to forfeit the $3,020 that the exam cost. Not only that, my next opportunity would be in September 2023 and it would have counted as one of my 3 lifetime attempts. So I decided to focus on the NAC even though everyone recommended that I do the MCCQE1 first. But there is no way I'll be ready for that one too and at least with the MCCQE1 I only had to pay $95 to change my date to November 9th. And that is the last day I can take the MCCQE1 if I want to have a shot at a Canadian residency. God, it's so expensive to become a doctor in Canada. It's truly a profession only the rich and privileged can afford. I'm so lucky that I happen to be one of those people. 

Honestly though, I'm so confused about this whole process. Part of me thinks that applying without any real clinical experience is a waste of time, but then recently during a prep course I took for the NAC, the instructor really stressed the importance of these two exams as they are the only objective measures that program directors have to filter candidates and that realistically, the only ones that stand a chance are those that are in the top 200-300. It's a scary prospect.

But what can I do? I knew this wouldn't be easy and luckily I've gotten past the first hurdle of the UK side at least. Meaning that I scored high enough on the language proficiency part (which, let me tell you isn't that easy and many people end up not doing well enough for). So, at least I'm eligible to apply there. And the next step will be writing the SJT exam. Fingers crossed I get the chance to do it in December. We are gong to New Zealand for Christmas this year and I really want to be able to just relax.

Anyway, this summer was pretty much a bust. I've been studying full time with only short breaks for my sister's wedding a bit of time with Jordan's parents. I can't wait for it to be over and get the exams over with too. 

I probably won't do another update until after the exams are done and (hopefully) passed. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Privilege

I recently posted on my Instagram account of how grateful I was to finally be able to do this and in it I acknowledged the huge amount of support I've received that enabled me to do it - including the straight up financial help that I've received from my parents.

One person made a comment about how nice it was to see me mention that. She said people often look at people like me who accomplish something huge (because being a mom of three and starting medical school is a huge thing) and wonder how we are able to do it when they struggle with much more attainable goals.

It is because I strongly believe in being open. In this day and age of social media it is so easy to show only a tiny part of the story - and people end up filling in the blanks themselves. A friend posts adorable photos of her and her kids at the park or zoo and we think "wow, what a great mom she must be to spend such quality time with her kids." What we don't see is whether or not she's suffering from postpartum depression, or that she is struggling with her marriage or that she hates her job. We see a friend constantly posting photos of recent travels and we marvel at how they seem to have so much disposable income to be able to afford it when just a weekend away in the nearest city wouldn't be possible without depleting our savings. What we don't see is that the person maybe hasn't gotten over a bad breakup years before and can't find someone special and is using travel to fill the void. We don't see that maybe they are racking up huge debt and that it keeps them up at night. Social media is our life's highlight reel and its often heavily airbrushed and edited.

So I believe in being a bit more transparent and show that there is more to the story. I've obviously posted about getting into medical school and moving half way across the globe to do so. I knew that people must have been asking themselves how I did it. 

So I want people to know that I wouldn't be able to pursue this dream of medicine later in life like I am without incredible support. Yes, its great that I had a lot of cheerleaders - my sisters, friends who didn't try to make me feel crazy about it. But I've had real, tangible help as well. My husband for carrying the burden of being the only income earner as well as devoting a lot more time to childcare and housework. My parents for letting us live for free in their house (and earlier for hiring me to work for their company so I could continue to earn money when I first started the journey) and stepping in with childcare too (for example when I had to study for my entrance exams they offered to watch the kids for a week so I could go away to study and sleep in peace).

Plus a lot of luck was involved. We have a house that we own that has gone up a lot in value. It gives us a great sense of security because if we ever find ourselves in some financial trouble (such as my husband not being able to work) we could sell it and live off the profit for several years - enough for the time it would take for me to finish medical school and possibly even residency. Plus we are currently renting it and making a comfortable surplus from the rental income. That, plus the fact that we don't have to pay my parents rent means we have a lot more disposable income which we are using for a full time nanny, housekeeper and private school/preschool. This frees up my time so much so that I can focus on studying and spending time with my family.

Basically, I have a ton of privilege. I was born into a family with means. I was born in a country where I was able to get an education and was able to build my wealth and know its secure. Raised to believe that even though I'm a woman I have equal right and ability to pursue whatever I want. I've had the luxury of time. The luxury to experiment.

Also, while it does look like I'm living the dream, there are of course some challenges. Sure, we can afford for me to do this but there is a huge opportunity cost of me doing so. Not just the years of income forgone on my part, but we've limited my husband's career growth and even prospects. I've struggled with some guilt and even some fear of failure because the stakes are so huge. What if I can't hack it? What if one day my husband resents me for holding his career back? What if my kids resent me for putting a career ahead of them (my son has already grumbled about "this is what he was worried about" when I told him I couldn't read to him one night because I had to study)? Not to mention if we DO have a financial catastrophe, how will I feel about it then we we have to sell the house for real and not just in theory? What if the market crashes and its not worth as much as we want?

But I guess the point of this post is to acknowledge my privilege. I don't want to take away from my accomplishment, because I did work hard for this - but I want to own the fact that I would not have been able to do it on my own. And that there are many people who would love to do it but really can't and its not for a lack of hard work on their part but purely because they aren't as privileged as I am. And I hope I never forget that.