Not done yet but...

The end is so close.

On Tuesday and Wednesday I have my Anatomy finals. I'm lucky I get to write them because...I failed my practical term exam. Or rather, I didn't get enough points, combined with my previous midterm and weekly quiz points, to be "allowed" to take the final. I don't know if it was the time lost due to the back pain fiasco or because I focused too much of my study time on my theoretical exam (which I did really well on at least) but I bombed the practical, which is identifying anatomical structures that are "pinned".

I was so mad at myself. I made the dumbest mistakes. Mostly because of lack of confidence rather than actually not knowing the structures. I looked at radiological images wrong. I "over-provided" info for structures (for example I put "ulnar artery of arm" - and since there is only an ulnar artery in the arm, putting "of arm" made it seem like there are more ulnar arteries and I got 0 points - if I had just left it as "ulnar artery" I would have gotten the full 2 points - yes, they are that strict).

However, I think it was a blessing in disguise. Because we do get another chance to write the final via an exam called the "Admissions" exam. However, instead of just this past semester, it is from the WHOLE year and we only had a week to prepare for it. And it forced to me start studying for everything right away.

So after a cry, I just buckled down and studied. Luckily I only had to study for the practical, so was able to just go over the structures again and again and again.

And I passed the admissions exam. It was SUCH a relief and it really was great practice for the final, which will be similar and probably a bit easier (based on what students from previous years have said).

I'm lucky though. Only 10 people out of 120 were allowed to write to the final based on just the term exams. A further 30 or so out of 110 people who did the admissions exams passed. Those people who failed the admissions exam are now going to have to petition the dean to be allowed to write the admissions AGAIN, which will happen in August and then will still have to sit the re-take final exam in September. If I fail this final exam, I'll have a chance at the re-take final. If I fail THAT I will have one last chance hail-Mary type of exam called a "Commissional Hearing" where a professor and a medical student from an upper year give you an oral exam and decide if they will put you through or not. And I heard if you make it to the finals in general, you're pretty much guaranteed to pass. Its passing the Admissions exams that the real obstacle, so I'm so glad I'm over it.

After Anatomy, I still have Histology left but I'm not as concerned about it. Because even if I fail that, I can still proceed to the 2nd year of medical school while if I fail Anatomy - even if I pass everything else - I still can't proceed to the 2nd year.

In any case, I'm planning on passing all of them on this first attempt. Wish me luck!

Not an ideal time

This morning, I threw out my back. 

After the success of last semester's move out during exams, I wanted to do it again. But instead of spending a bunch of money on an AirBnb, this time I decided to buy a pull-out couch for the office space my dad has in town (where I sometimes study) and "move in" there. Its perfect because it has a bathroom with a shower and a small kitchen, plus its walking distance to coffee shops (a necessity) and good places to eat. 

But I digress. IKEA delivered the couch this morning and I put it together. Then I just wanted to move it a bit to center it against the wall and I felt a "pop" followed by my back seizing up.

It. Hurt. So. Much. I've been dealing with some joint pain in my second metacarpalphalangeal joint of my right hand, but I know its because of my recent studying and over-use of my laptop/phone/tablet for Anki cards (best study device ever) and have just decided to push through it. But I knew this back spasm was much more serious and I can't just wait it out/medicate it with ibuprofen. The same thing happened to me this past Christmas and I learned the hard way that it won't just go away (I ended up going to the ER at 6AM after being unable to sleep for two days in a row due to the immense pain).

So I called an Uber and went to the hospital. Luckily I was able to see an orthopedic surgeon pretty quickly and he ordered me a shot (in the bum, fun times) to help ease the pain but without making me drowsy. I'd love to call in sick today and just lay on the couch-bed while on muscle relaxants but I have so much to study and review today. And I'm already way behind because of the hours lost going to/from the hospital. And unfortunately, the shot wasn't 100% effective. I can walk now (not hobble) but it still hurts and seizes up every once in a while.

Man, I'm on the verge. To add insult to injury, my period started today as well and I have some wicked cramps. Though maybe its for the best to get it over with now instead of getting it on the day of the exam. 

But time to get over my pity-party and learn some stuff. Still. Send some positive vibes/thoughts/prayers my way on Tuesday. 

Status report

Ok, so... I'm happy to report that I've passed everything - so far. I got 74% in biophysics (but its a pass/fail course, so the score doesn't matter). I passed Latin (I don't know my score yet, I only know I passed because the teacher sent us an email with the student IDs of the people who need to sit the retake and I wasn't on it, but its also pass/fail so I don't even care) and I also found out I passed the Histology term exam (I got a 70%).

Its funny because in the past, getting a 70% would have been almost like failing in my eyes. Unless there is a "9" in front, I wasn't happy.

But my perspective has changed. First of all, again, only about 40% of the class passed this first attempt. And even less people can say that they passed all three term exams without doing a retake and yet I'm one of them. In fact, I've yet to have to retake any exam. And second of all, this time I'm a mom with three kids. My study time is limited, no matter how much help I get, I'm still their mom and they need me. And I need them. I need that time with them to push me to learn as much as I can and to pass. Because that's the ultimate goal.

Of course the biggest challenge awaits - and that's anatomy. I'm nervous about it because like I've probably mentioned a million times, its the one course that I *need* to pass this year in order to move on to the next year. My term exams (one in theory and one practical) are next week and then I have to start studying for the finals as they are a short two weeks later.

However, in spite of all my studying demands, I decided to take this morning "off". I got up with the kids and dropped them off at school. Then I went to the mall and did some shopping. I wanted to get myself some summer clothes as the weather has been off the charts hot recently, but I wasn't able to find anythingI liked. Still, I'm happy because I finally got around to getting my middle son some badly needed new sneakers and got my daughter some sandals. I got all the kids a small gift for Children's Day (June 1st in Poland). But to make sure I didn't leave without a little something for myself, I treated myself to a new body wash and bath bomb.

Then I walked to the place where I'm going to study and the movement felt good. I think people (read: students) really underestimate how helpful exercise is before exams. I went to my personal trainer for a workout session the day before my histology exam, even though going there, the workout and coming back home during rush hour cost me about two hours of study time.

But now its officially afternoon and I need to get to it. My last anatomy class is in a few hours and my last chance to earn an extra point or two towards my exam.

And just like that

I have six weeks left of my first year of medical school. Hopefully, that is.

About 70% of my class will fail at least one of the major final exams; those from Histology or Anatomy. Luckily there are retake exams. However these are at the end of September, shortly before the new year is about to start.

I cannot let myself be in that majority. I cannot! The thought of having my summer ruined with the knowledge that I should be studying all summer long makes me want to put the kettle on to make another cup of coffee and keep reading my texts book for an hour - or two - longer.

But before finals in those subjects, I still have to pass the term tests which will give me permission to attempt the final exam. And if I fail THOSE then I have to start studying for the terrifying "admissions" exam, which is an exam you a have to take if you don't qualify for the final, as a last ditch effort to qualify for the final. This concept is still one that I'm wrapping my mind around. And I'm still not quite sure what happens if you don't pass the admissions test. I do know though, that if you fail the anatomy retake, you cannot progress to the 2nd year and effectively add another year to your program.

So I'm a bit stressed now. Not crazy stressed (yet) but my nails are on the short side and I feel a bit anxious every minute that I'm not studying.

Some of my friends and students I've talked to seem to have made their peace with the fact that they WILL be rewriting one or both exams in the fall and really don't seem to be bothered by it.

But I feel like I've worked too hard and frankly, my family has made a lot of sacrifices for me this past year and I want to make it up to them by being full present and engaged in my family life all summer. I also want to relax, unwind, read novels and nap and feel like I truly deserve it and without the nagging feeling of "should be studying" at the back of my mind all the time.

So wish me luck and hopefully I'll be back soon with the good news that I passed.

Time off...but not really.

I have this whole week off school for Easter break.

I laugh, though, at the "off" part. Because as a mom who is a med student, you don't really have time off. At least, not to relax.

Still, I did have a great week. I took my oldest son on a trip to London and Paris - my husband took the younger two to New Zealand to visit his family for a month a few weeks ago, but the trip would have been too much missed school for both my son and me. So to make up missing out on the New Zealand trip, I decided to take him on a trip of his own. It was great to go with just him and was a good look at how much easier it will be to travel when our younger two are older. Living in Europe and being so close to so many amazing places really is a huge bonus.

Now with the last few days before classes resume, I'm just using it to get caught up on life stuff. Today I spent the day grocery shopping, buying some flowers for the garden (hurray for spring!), getting my iPad repaired, picked up some dry cleaning and then spent a chunk of time making dental appointments for my son and me as well as a physical for me. In order to be able to get it all done this week I have to spend practically the entire day in the medical clinic because of weird spacing between appointments, though I was super lucky to get in on such short notice. We have private health care here in Poland and while some aspects of it are great, honestly it feels like a factory where you are just being pushed through. Its not very personal, I rarely am able to see the same doctor twice and if I do request a doctor I liked, chances are I'd have to wait a long time (like several months). It feels no different to how it was in Canada, yet we pay thousands for it every month.

So today is done and I feel like I got little accomplished. I'd planned on going for a run and maybe doing a workout but I managed to pull a muscle in my neck and just don't feel like it. Tomorrow I'll be hanging out at the clinic. I think I'll take some text books and do some studying so at least I'm semi-productive. Then I'll have just three days to try and rest and relax before classes restart and my husband returns with the littles.

But I'm not complaining. This is the life I wanted.

Women’s Rights

Today I’m going to a protest here in Warsaw. We are going to protest a recent government proposal, influenced by Catholic bishops, to further restrict the already incredibly strict abortions laws in Poland. Currently the law allows abortion only in the case of rape, mortal danger to the mother’s health or in the event the fetus has a lethal or very serious congenital condition. The new law proposes to get rid of the last condition and require that a women who is pregnant with a fetus with serious defects or illness carry to term. 

This is unfathomable to me. I cannot imagine what it would be like to know that my child has no brain or a condition that would mean they will suffer after  birth and die because their condition is not compatible with life - and be FORCED to carry that child to term, to endure childbirth and then have to watch that child die or linger in pain and suffering for an indefinite period of time. I cannot imagine being FORCED to give birth to a child that will be so sick or disabled that my life would be forced to revolve around their care. Because let’s be real - this responsibly falls to the woman, the mother, in the vast majority of cases. 

I cannot support this. I cannot stay home and quietly rage about it either. I’m not going to get into a discussion on abortion in general. I’m 100% pro-choice, however it’s a choice that I wouldn’t be able to make lightly. I don’t know what I’d do if I discovered I was pregnant with a horrifically sick child. I don’t know because I haven’t been in that position. Not only that, I come from a position of incredible privilege. I’m in a loving, stable relationship. I have a ton of resources - physical and financial - available to me, to support me, to help me. I’d be able to afford the best medical treatment and additional help. I have a family and friends who would be there for me. I have a husband who would be able to support our family on his own without me working. And yet. I still don’t know what I’d do if I were faced with it in reality and not in a hypothetical situation. But I know one thing for sure. I’d want the choice to be MINE. Because the consequences would be MINE. 

I value life. Don’t get me wrong. I know that abortion is ending a life. I’m not going to give the argument that a fetus isn’t a person, or that it’s just a bunch of cells or anything like that. To me, it’s a life. But the mother’s life is ALSO a life. It is the mother alone that faces the risk of death (childbirth is still a leading cause of women’s death all over the world), it’s the mother alone whose body is changed, often damaged, who will lose opportunities, will lose wages, lose time with family and friends and who will ultimately be left with the care of the baby afterwards. How is that caring about and valuing life? Life is more than the physical act of being alive, breathing and blood circulating the body. At least, to me.

I also respect the Catholic Church’s position. They can have the position of no abortion in any case. That’s fine. But what they shouldn’t do is force this on anyone. If someone is Catholic and chooses to submit to the church’s position, that should be their choice. The church has its platform, it has many ways to try and persuade its followers and others to adopt this position too. They can appeal to people’s consciences, their morality, their faith. But NOT to the legal system. In my opinion, if the church, with its incredibly strong reach and influence here in Poland, cannot convince people without forcing their beliefs into law, then that is their failure. 

Similarly with the government. If they want to persuade women to not have abortions, they should do much, much more to help those women during their pregnancies and after birth. Not redirect EU funds for aiding families with children with disabilities to antiabortion campaigns. Not banning children with disabilities from public schools because of the “cost” accommodate those children. Not allowing pharmacies to not fulfill birth control prescriptions because the pharmacist’s “conscience” is against birth control. 

So today I’ll be joining thousands of women in Warsaw and around Poland and demand that this law is not enacted. 

I’m AGAINST further restrictions on abortion in Poland. I stand with Polish women. 

A new why

Today we had our first day of new course called Addiction Medicine.

Hands down my favourite day of class so far to date because today we got hear and speak with a real patient.

It was so amazing, so informative and so USEFUL for us as future doctors. I've been very interested in addiction for a long time. One of my favourite authors is this Irish woman called Marian Keyes and her books though I guess technically would fall under the "chick-lit" category, are so insightful into this topic because she herself is an alcoholic and actually wrote her first book while in rehab. It was her book "Rachel's Holiday" about a 20-something girl who ends up in rehab after an accidental overdose that sparked my interest in addiction and taught me so much (honestly, today I felt like the book was taken from the course, it had so many parallels).

Anyway, one thing that I learned today that I didn't know before and was mentioned by our professor is that often addiction is masked by or overshadowed by depression because people are more likely to bring up being sad, tired etc to a healthcare practitioner but are usually in denial about substance abuse and won't bring it up. Often addiction and depression go together, however they are two separate diseases and that the addiction often needs to be treated first. Because treating depression on its own will not treat addiction and can in fact make it worse, as depression often has a therapy component that causes us to face certain feelings that are hard to cope with.

So basically I learned that when I'm a practicing doctor, I need to make sure I look to addiction issues if I ever suspect depression.