So what's next?

I've had a lot of time to think about what's next for me, career-wise. Its so hard though, because anything I choose will in some way be associated with failure to get into med school - at least, in my mind. I'm sure that the many family or friends who are aware of what I tried to do will forget over time. But I won't.

If I didn't have a family, I'd just try and take on a job or even pursue a career in something that is at least related to medicine with the hope that I'll eventually get in.

But I do have one and I also do have a lot to fall back on - namely, my business degree and CA. I don't want to go back to the accounting/auditing work that made me so miserable but I have to admit, I loved doing my business degree. My logical self thinks it would be stupid to start over completely as say, a nutritionist or something, just because its health care related when I can do something I might really enjoy in a field where I have training from a top business school. Especially when I hear stories of friend's boyfriends or cousins being rejected for the 3rd time with no back up or vague plans to start a masters in something.

In fact, on a whim I applied to a local college to do a post-graduate diploma in retail marketing and promotions and got in - even though the deadline had long passed - and it reminded me that just because I didn't get into med school on my first attempt that it means I am a total idiot. My grades, school pedigree and work experience, in the real world mean a lot and a valued.

My only problem with going back into the rat race is the fear of slipping back into that torn life style I had before. What if I can't find a job that I love - something that gives me a purpose? What if I can't be there for my kids and husband the way I want to? I'm realizing that it doesn't necessarily get easier when your children get older. Yes, I no longer have to change diapers (well, at least with my oldest) but now I need to help with homework and in general be involved. I know that going back to work of any sort will require some of that sacrifice but I want it to be worth it - and not just financially.  I think the main challenge will be finding something that will make me happy - so I can be a good wife and mother.

Also I'm just not ready to completely let go of my dream of med school. I don't talk about it much to anyone anymore - its just tucked away into a tiny piece of my heart and will have to bide its time. On bad days it there like a little thorn reminding me that I'm going to be 29 years old this year and this is just not realistic. On good days it remains a goal that can be achieved. Fortunately, my husband is aware of this and told me to just wait and try again when I'm ready. In that respect, I'm so, so lucky. So I need to find something that WILL give me the time to keep pursuing med school as a goal and not just a dream.

I'll keep updating this blog...where ever I end up will be largely because of this initial desire. It might be med school. Or it might be something completely different.

Rejected

I apologize for not writing for a while.

Many of you probably guessed that this big upheaval in my life was that I became pregnant and it caused me to question my life choices and the plans I've been making.

I found out I was pregnant about a week before my second MCAT attempt and it distracted me to no end. In fact I really shouldn't have written it at all and after writing it I should have voided it.

Its amazing how just a little distraction can really affect you. Because I did WORSE on my second attempt and THAT was the score I had to apply with.

Not surprisingly I've been rejected from the 2 universities that I applied to. Even though I KNEW I would be, I won't lie and say that a tiny part of me didn't hold out hope that I'd get an interview at least, because it did.

The first rejection I received last week wasn't so bad - but the one I got today stung more than I expected. Probably because it was my last chance for this cycle. And because it made it real that this is just NOT going to happen for me this year - and perhaps ever.

With a baby on the way, I'm not going to apply again this summer. I haven't really done much to improve my application since the last application cycle so there is no point anyway. And to be perfectly honest I'm not sure I have the same drive that I had when I initially started this process.

Don't get me wrong, I'd still love to go to med school but my priorities have shifted a bit and it seems to me selfish to pursue something this major at this point.

So friends...I'm putting my dream on hold for a bit, maybe indefinitely. And in the meantime I'm working on my Plan B.

Wish me luck!

Application...submitted!

Well, today I submitted my med school applications finally. With just over 3 hours to spare! Woo hoo!

Yes, I know today was the deadline but I'm a procrastinator by nature and it wouldn't feel right to NOT finish at the last minute. Its not a good idea to do this, as I thought I was done early this morning and then realized I had to input EVERY. SINGLE. COURSE. I've EVER taken, including the course number, grade received and number of credits earned! Ugh! It took over 2 hours - but luckily I had the time and LUCKILY I actually had most of them in a Google doc, so it wasn't as brutal as it could have been. But I absolutely hate the OMSAS website. Its so primitive, its embarrassing. And it just looks like there would be so many errors in it.

I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. At this point unless I absolutely KILL the CASPer I doubt I'll make it for Mac to get an interview. Which sucks because my biggest asset is my speaking (interviewing) ability and everyone I talk to (med students, consultants, other doctors) ALL say that if I get an interview I have an excellent chance. But it really looks like I won't get that chance, not this year at least.

I've also applied to NOSM (Northern Ontario School of Medicine). Now, I KNOW its a major stretch because I'm not from Northern Ontario or a rural area. However, I did spend over 8 years in a small village in Poland and I really think that it gave me a good idea of what remote/rural life is like. Especially during the early post-Communist times when infrastructure was so bad, a 20KM journey may as well have been 200KM. I know its a long shot, but my husband is really rooting for moving to Thunder Bay because he's dying to get out of the city. One of my best friends is from T-Bay and her whole family is up there, which would be great to have some friends in a strange place. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Like I said, its a major, major long shot.

So what are my plans till January (when I find out if I get an interview)? Lots. I'm going to continue volunteering at the nursing home, because I really enjoy it. I'll brace myself for another MCAT attempt (but not yet...I just need a break). I'll pursue some business ideas I have (hey, I need a solid back up in case med school doesn't work out this year....or ever). And I have some other stuff going on in my life which I'll share at a later date.

Failure

I got my second MCAT test results back. And I did worse. Worse than I expected and WORSE THAN BEFORE. I knew I would do worse in the sciences (except I remained the same in Physical Sciences) but my verbal reasoning score went down.

I'm sitting in tears now as I write this because my score is now so low I'm sure I don't stand a single chance, not at McMaster, not anywhere.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish I never re-wrote.

I feel like such a failure.

No, I'm not dead

But I have taken a break from being "med-obsessed". So much going on in my life right now, med school daydreams have sort of taken a backseat. I'm still in the process of finishing up my applications and I promise to update you all on whats been going on soon.

I have to admit, staying away from the forums has been especially nice and relaxing!

Catching up

MCAT attempt #2 is done and now I need to spend some time catching up in other areas of my life. Need to catch up on work, finish up my applications for med school and plan, plan, plan for some major changes coming to my life!

Back soon...

Losing steam

The last few days I feel like I've lost a lot of steam, a lot of the drive I had when I decided to pursue medicine.

A few things have changed in my life and with that, my perspective. I'm beginning to question what the right path for me is.

Plus, I'm just SO SICK of studying for the MCAT. Yesterday, I did a practice verbal and I got a 9. Which, at this point in time, is terrible. Terrible for me and just made me really doubt myself. I want to get a least a 10 or higher. My GPA is slightly lower than the mean for Mac for last year and the mean MCAT was 10.58 or something. Unless I kill the Casper test, then my shot, my one and only shot, seems very unlikely.

Also, I'm getting really sick on the online premed forums. Except for a handful of users and some excellent tips, most of the people on it seem like spoiled, sheltered, naive brats or just assholes. Complaining that the system is unfair - like it should be designed so that they would be accepted and not, oh, whoever best meets the NEEDS OF OUR COMMUNITIES. Do I think I could be a great doctor? Absolutely. Do you hear me whining about how unfair the process is? No. Because I can't change it and whining isn't going to get me in. Why don't other people see that? Or people so clearly obsessed with how much money doctors make. Or those who truly and honestly see being a doctor as the most superior profession out there. And one person today who I think has made me decide to just swear off the forums all together, some jackass complaining about natives getting special treatment but then not knowing what a reserve is. Seriously, face-palm.

Ugh. Do I really want to be surrounded by these people for 6+ years? And I thought investment bankers were bad.

I want my positive mood back! That and my confidence that I can do better on the MCAT. I'm going to take a couple practice tests today and then the real thing will be determined tomorrow when I write.