What a week - and its only Monday

This week has gotten off to a not-so-great start.

Well, it all started over the weekend actually. I found out on Saturday that a close family member suffered an intense health issue. I found out on the day that we were hosting 6 of my oldest son's 10 and 11 year old friends for a sleepover birthday party. I'm ok now, but still processing it. It doesn't seem real and we still don't know to what extent of damage we will be dealing with.

I found out Sunday that I have to prepare a 3 page essay, due Tuesday, for my upcoming option course in suturing. And oddly, the topic has nothing to do with surgery.

There was a bit of confusion regarding a test in biochemistry this week. Our class rep told us that its likely cancelled but then another classmate said she confirmed with the prof that its still on. A part of me was prepared for this but another part was hoping that it would be cancelled as I have another essay to write for physiology as well. I'm not sure when I'll get a chance to study for it and I really want to do well. I've been on a great streak lately with excellent marks (I got a 100% on a recent physiology test and a recent biochem test) and I want to keep it going.

But mostly I'm just worried about my family and being away from them at this tough time. Its hard, because I feel a bit helpless even though I know that being there wouldn't make a difference.

And I'm tired. The weekend was a killer because the boys didn't go to sleep till 2AM and one of them set his alarm for 7AM and surprisingly they all got up at that time. I ate chocolate cake for both breakfast and lunch for the sugar (and because it was seriously delicious) which wasn't the best choice either. But I did get a decent workout in, which helped with my mood and overall felt better.

Still. I really can't wait for this week to be over. Already.

Hello 2nd year!

Its now November and I've been back at school for a month! Crazy how fast it seems to be going.

The year didn't start out too great though. Lots of drama (long story short, I ran for and lost, two positions on the student government which was quite disappointing for me - but I just can't compete on popularity and that was my undoing).

But I think that things work out for the best. Even though we no longer have the pressure of not being able to move forward if we fail a specific class like we did last year with anatomy, there seems to be even more work. We have tests or homework due every week and I find that I also get more out of my classes when I prepare for them in advance (even if it means pre-reading the lecture slides).

Today I had a pretty important test so my husband suggested that I stay in town over night so I could study and then not have to get up too early. Worked well with the studying part but I made the mistake of having some coffee at 6PM and I was WIRED and had the hardest time falling asleep. I ended up I think falling a sleep some time after 3AM.

As a result, today I skipped my biochemistry lecture and epidemiology class because I knew I'd crash at some point if I went. Luckily the biochem lectures aren't mandatory and we're allowed to skip two epidemiology classes and I haven't skipped any to date. Still I really don't like skipping class if I can help it.

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We've had a slightly tough few weeks because our nanny has taken a three week holiday. She has had this in the works since before she started working for us, so we knew about it way in advance. Timing wasn't the best for us but luckily my husband just adjusted his work schedule and has really taken control of everything. I'm so lucky in this regard. And she is back next week!

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Even though its still years away, I'm starting to wonder about my next steps after medical school. Lots of people are surprised that I'm really not considering staying in Poland (well, mostly Polish friends) but I really don't want to. Don't get me wrong, I love it here at the moment and I want to take advantage of living here and exposing my kids to the language and culture, but I just don't see it as a forever type of thing.

My first choice would be to do my post-grad training in Canada but only if I match to a great residency and chances of that as an IMG (International medical school graduate) are slim. Plus I think there are some sort of "return of service" requirement which could have me moved to wherever to practice medicine for a specific length of time. I don't know if I can risk dragging my family to some remote northern Canadian town. If I was single, it wouldn't be an issue but I'm not.

My next choice would be the UK somewhere. Cons are that the program is way longer (about 5 years vs 2 years in Canada or the US). Pros are that we'd stay in Europe and I really love the UK, though Brexit puts everything in to the "unknown" category. Oh well, I'm hoping that things will be resolved by the time I graduate.

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One thing I'm relieved about - though a bit worried am jinxing myself - is that I feel like our family life has finally settled down. Last year was rocky for all of us and I had a ton of stress and guilt over being gone so much. Part of me is still amazed that I was able to pass everything the way I did.

But its made me determined to try and get better grades this year. Fingers crossed that family drama will be kept to a minimum. I really want to do well this year.

Nursing internship

Last week I started my nursing internship. As part of my MD program, we are required to do a number of internships during the summer, the first being nursing. We are also responsible for getting our internships ourselves - we have to find hospitals that are willing to take us on and it’s all our responsibility. 

I think it’s great. I think it’s meant to show doctors how hard nurses work and to respect the work they do.

Doctors can be a bit stuck up and disrespectful or dismissive of nurses and this hopefully will give us a reality check. That said, I had a bunch of nurses be quite disappointed when they learned that I’m in need one and not nursing. One even said “ah, another one to turn their nose up at us when she is done”. I told her that I sincerely hoped not - and was able to win her over later. 

I was able to arrange to do my nursing internship at a local hospital which is an 8 minute bike ride from my home. It was a bit of a trade off though - it’s an orthopaedic hospital so it’s very specialized in terms of what types of problems I’ll be exposed to. But it’s close to home and means I’ll get to spend more time with my kids. 

Last week I was in the trauma ward where patients who suffered a trauma (like broken arm after a fall) or planned procedure (hip replacement) were placed post-op. It was a fairly calm ward so I think a great place to ease me. That said there was a lot of down time where nothing was going on and I found that a bit frustrating (for me - I’m sure the nurses themselves like it).

This week I’m in the ER. I’m hoping it’s a bit more fast paced!

I’ve always had huge respect for nurses and the profession as a whole, and I often get asked why I didn’t go for nursing instead of medicine. I’ll get to that in a minute.

I’m only a quarter of the way into the internship and so far it’s been great. I didn’t expect to LIKE it as much as I do. I mean sure, it’s been interesting and informative but also just FUN! 

However the reasons that I didn’t want to be a nurse are largely to do with flexibility and dependence. And as a result, to be honest, I never really considered it. Eventually, I want to be my own boss. I want to own and run a clinic somewhere. I did do a whole degree in business afterall and I am business minded. 

But that’s something I wouldn’t be able to do as a nurse - I’d forever be dependent on a hospital or doctor to hire me. I’d be stuck on shifts forever. Plus I’ll admit I want to be the one issuing orders instead of just taking them. I like problem solving, like the idea that I’m responsible, that I’m the one ultimately making the decision. And while that does in part scare me, it would also scare me to be told what to do knowing it’s wrong or even just not ideal and not really being able to do much about it. 

Still. I have a ton of respect for nurses and I do hope that I will be able to forge good relationships with the nurses I work with in the future. I’m so grateful to get this experience!

1st Year is...

DONE!

I passed everything. The histology exam was brutal though, it was so detailed! My group's teacher wrote the exam and she really honed in on the details as opposed to making it more broad like past finals have been. I left the exam feeling like I just passed or just failed.

 Only 50 out of 86 who were allowed to write passed and of those people the majority just scraped through (me included - I got a 67%, needed 60% to pass). A part of me wishes I had had a bit more time to study - I mostly was able to do just a high level review of the material and do some old exams (and this is what saved me - there were many similar questions). For the most part, the people that did well (got over 80%) were the people who didn't make it to the finals for anatomy and had over 2 weeks to prepare.

But I honestly don't care about my grade. I managed to accomplish what I wanted - to pass all my exams on the first attempt and not have to rewrite and study for anything over the summer.

So now I'm going to take a well-deserved break and focus on hanging out with my family. I do have to arrange my nursing internship still, but I plan on doing that in September when my oldest is back in school and we are back to a more "normal" routine.

Last one

Today I had my histology practical final and it was such a drama.

I was sure - SURE - that I failed. The slides I had to identify were hard! I thought I knew the list of structures we needed to know so well but the specimens I got were so different.

It started off badly because my slides didn't appear to be in order. And the I couldn't recognize my first slide. Was it thymus gland or parotid gland? I froze! And time kept ticking...we have to identify 10 slides (ie. we have to name the organ or structure) in 10 minutes under a microscope.

I was only on my 3rd slide when the proctor announced we had 5 minutes left and I still had 7 slides to go!

My hand was shaking the entire time and I rushed through the remaining slides and left the exam being sure of only 4 of them. And we needed 6 out of 10 to pass.

I consoled myself with a caramel frappucino from Starbucks while I debriefed the exam with my friend and then went home...and I emailed my teacher preemptively begging her that if I failed, would they let me try the retake before we broke for summer?

Luckily they decided to put us out of our misery quickly because only a few hours later they posted the results - and guys, I PASSED. I got 7/10 which is amazing because if you get over 6, they give you an additional 1% of each additional point that will count towards our theory final, which is tomorrow (though oddly, they only give you those extra marks if you pass, so its really only gravy, still I'll take it).

Anyway, this time tomorrow I'll be DONE. Done for the summer, hopefully not having to repeat the histology final.

But even if I have to, honestly I won't be *too* upset because my priority was to be done with anatomy and I am pretty confident in my ability to learn the histology - I just didn't have enough time from the end of the anatomy finals to these finals (6 days) be able to competently review the entire year.

So hopefully I'll scrape through.

Procrastinating

I have such study fatigue at the moment that I'm doing everything and anything to not study for my histology finals.

So far today I've:

• met up for lunch with my husband and then met up for another lunch with a couple of my classmates
• paid a bunch of bills (none urgent)
• done payroll for my dad's company (I do some accounting work for my dad's company - fair trade off for all the support I get from my parents).
• responded to a random and unnecessary LinkdIn message
• gone to Starbucks twice
• looked up Ali Wong memes
• got involved in some Facebook arguments on an anti-vax page and some other page about food
• thought about the future of this blog and how I want it to look like
• done some studying

Sigh. I hope this doesn't bite me in the ass. A part of me (the pre-exam, not facing consequence part) is like oh screw it, who cares if I have to rewrite the final? I will have more time to study! But the realistic part of me knows that the whole point is to NOT have to study any more and to just pass NOW. Plus it would be embarrassing to fail. 

Beyond Relieved

I passed the anatomy finals.

I'm so incredibly and utterly relieved. And happy.

Out of my class of 120 people, 41 were permitted to take the final exam and 3 were exempted (for having the 3 highest scores prior to the second term exam). Of those, 29 passed. I am one of them.

This was the hardest exam I've ever taken. The pins section, in particular was brutal and I honestly thought it would be the death of me. I left the exam not being sure if I passed it or not. I couldn't sleep over obsessing over some mistakes I knew I made and just hoped and even prayed that I did enough.

Did I do amazing? No. I got 68% on the pins and 84% on the theory for an overall average of 76% (they combine the scores). After the initial relief of finding out I passed, knowing that I will NOT have to study this summer, I started to be a *bit* disappointed in the actual score. I wished I had just stayed up and studied a bit later, taken more time to look at some of the specimens. Wondered if those episodes of Riverdale that I watched to give my mind a break are the reason I didn't get more pins correct.

But I needed to stop myself. I don't know if this is just something women do, but we often hone-in on our faults and over-look our successes. And when I think about it, I think I just did something incredible, really.

I passed the hardest subject of the year, something that about 25% of the class will have to repeat, the course that is used to cut people of the program. And I did it on the first attempt. I did it while balancing THREE children. Three children adjusting to me being away. A husband adjusting to me being away and with new responsibilities. Commitments that I still needed to keep, responsibilities that did not go away because I suddenly had so much more on my plate.

So I'm going to stop right here and just say how proud I am of myself that I did this, that the first major challenge has been met and overcome. I can do this.