Loved.

I don't talk too much about my husband and our relationship on this blog. For one, its because he is a fairly private person (other than Facebook messenger and LinkedIn, he has no social media) and the other is because marriage is complicated and hard and wonderful and messy and fun and I just think its way too beyond the scope of this blog, so I just leave it all out.

But I couldn't help but share and gush about the amazing gifts he got me for Christmas. He usually gets me good gifts, however often with my input (literally would tell him what I'd like and he gets it or tells me to just go ahead and order it). However this year he totally surprised me. He told me a couple months ago he thought of a great gift for me but I didn't think too much of it because usually when he says something like that, it ends up being a gag of some sort.

He got me a stethoscope and an otoscope. I'm only in my second year of med school and sometimes still can't believe its all real. And he will often joke with me about "whoa there you're not a doctor yet!" whenever I discuss anything medical with someone (or tell him what he should or shouldn't be doing haha). But it touched me. Not just because of what it means to me but the effort he went to to get it. He did bunch of research on the specific items he got me, he contacted my mom and let her in on it (he ordered everything to my parents house) and kept her updated on delivery etc. And I had no idea.

My husband wasn't the only one to get me a thoughtful medical gift. My sister also got me this awesome poster, which I can't wait to have framed. She told me there is a whole serious of these and if I like them, she will get me the others for other occasions. I'm so excited!

My other sister and parents also got me some great stuff and I just feel so loved and lucky. I really do have it all.

7 years ago...

I was chatting about my blog with a classmate recently who mentioned to me that she reads it regularly. I was touched and for some reason it prompted me to look back at my very first post. A post that I entitled "A Journey of a 1,000 miles begins with one step" and made me realize how far I've come. And how aptly named that first post was, written over seven years ago.

I then skimmed through some other posts and I realized, man I've definitely taken a LOT of steps since then, and not all of them forward. Some were backwards, some were lateral. I reminded myself of all the mistakes I made, the set backs, the times I really felt that it was all over. Then the resurgence of hope, the new plan, the renewed motivation and the steps forward.

And I'm HERE. I'm doing this thing that I wanted to do so badly and I'm so happy. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude. For my parents who were so supportive - financially, emotionally. For my husband for putting up with me during the setbacks and for being the one who actually convinced me to try in Poland - and then moving half way across the world to a country where he doesn't even speak the language so I could pursue this. For my sisters and my friends who have encouraged me and supported me and who continue to listen to my stories, who let me vent and cry to and share my victories with. For my kids who just accept it as normal that mummy has to go to school too.

The intense privilege I have is not lost on me though and it motivates me to think about how I can help others who want to do this but are less fortunate than I am, in the future.

Lots of challenges still face me. I've realized that as my children get older, I face different challenges with parenting and figuring out how to balance that with my career as a student and later a practicing physician. Figuring out the best option for post-graduate medical training and then getting in. And the countless exams that I have to still write.

But I wouldn't change anything, wouldn't change one minute of what I've experienced.

Attention med students!

Even though I'm in medical school in Europe, there is a lot of similarity in the course curriculum when I compare to Canadian medical schools and US medical schools. The main difference is that our program is spread out over 6 years and you can start right out of high school.

One of those courses is Anatomy. And in our program, it's the single most important course we take during medical school because if you fail anatomy, you fail the first year of medical school even if you've passed every other course. They use the course to weed people out (a lot of people do end up dropping out when they fail). If you've read this blog, you'd know how stressed out I was by this course (even though I loved it)! I've never felt a greater relief in my life than when I found out I passed.

Recently two of my classmates (and friends!) started a wonderful Facebook and Instagram page, called AnatomyWithA&D, with the goal of helping students studying anatomy in a fun way. It's a great combo of informative, academic posts and practical applications of anatomy, tips on how to best study and much more. And the two founders know what they are talking about - they had the highest marks in anatomy in my year and they were selected to represent our program at a national anatomy competition, called the Golden Scapula.

Anyway, I highly, highly recommend you check them out and follow!

You can find them on Instagram here and on Facebook here. Go and check them out!

Today is my daughter's 3rd birthday and I'm missing it. I have a fairly important exam early tomorrow morning and decided to stay in the city overnight to study for it and so I don't have to get up at the crack of dawn just to make it on time.

I do feel a bit guilty about it because its her birthday and also because she's sick. She developed a nasty case of pink-eye yesterday and I had to take her to urgent care to get the antibiotic drops she needed. I thought I would be in and out but there were 31 pediatric patients ahead of us! We were there for almost three hours. I had planned on doing some studying yesterday but that pretty much went out the window because of the visit.

But I'm not going to beat myself up about it too much because we actually celebrated her birthday last week when my in-laws were here and thats when we did cake and presents. Still, it tugs on my heart a little to know that I'm not there.

Man though, its a bit of a foreshadow of what I'm going to miss when I start residency. I know thats still a ways away but it really makes me that much more determined to try and do it in Canada so at least I can do it in two years. And makes me that much more determined to do family medicine.

And I'm excited because the family medicine residency program where I want to do it the most states on their website that they have 9 residency spots and 2 of those go to IMGs! I didn't realize they actually allocate those spots, I just assumed that the CMGs get first pick and then if they are left over, then I can apply. But it looks like I may actually be able to try for dedicated spots.

Planning....

Last week I attended a presentation on how to pursue a medical residency in the USA. I'm not considering the USA but I wanted to know about the process because the process in Canada is very similar.

And side note, I learned that the process in Canada isn't quite as daunting as I had originally thought. I was under the (mistaken) impression that the return of service requirement would mean that I would be sent to some undesirable place to work off the cost of my residency training. But actually there are just some restrictions as to where I can't work - which in Ontario would be Toronto, the GTA and Ottawa. It means that I could potentially get to go back to my hometown! I mean, I'd still be under requirement to fulfill the 5 year return of service agreement, but I'd have some control over where that would be.

Its changed my whole outlook on residency and my plans. Up to now, the plan had been to gun for the UK. But with Brexit, everything is up in the air and I have no idea how the UK leaving the EU will impact me. It's not urgent because I still have 5 years to go and hopefully things will settle before it's my time to apply. Still, I hate the uncertainty.

Anyway, since learning that there is a chance of coming back to Canada - albeit still very tough as only about 20% of IMGs were successful in matching, in Ontario at least - I'm trying to plan my experience here in a way that would facilitate my chances.

First stop will be meeting up with my former family doctor. In addition to having a practice, he is a part-time professor at McMaster in family medicine and takes students in to his practice all the time to shadow him etc. He also has a TON of contacts in the town where I'd love to do residency in. I'm hoping I'll be able to see him when we visit my family over Christmas.

I'm not getting my hopes up too much but I'm excited that I have some thing to shoot for.

Which leads me back to the presentation on getting to the US. In addition to wanting to know the process for the US because its similar to Canada (academic requirements, match system etc), I also started a Facebook group for students and alumni from my school to help us with the process of applying to English speaking residencies. One thing about my school is that while I believe that we will be prepared with the medical know-how to be able to do residency adequately (and this has been confirmed by multiple successful alumni), they leave us to completely fend for ourselves with the post-grad process. It's alarming how many students are completely unprepared for what comes after medical school and even worse, have no idea. Like they think that the MD they will have will suddenly open all the doors for them, and that's just not the case.

Anyway, I started the group and wanted to go to the presentation so I could report back and share the knowledge. And I learned a lot! One of the things it made me realize is that I need to get my butt on to some meaningful volunteer and extracurricular work and look into getting involved in some research. I had given myself grace for my first year to just focus on passing and making the transition as easy as possible for my family, but now its time to starting thinking about what I need to do to make myself a strong candidate.

Research is something I'd LOVE to get into and one of the women at the presentation gave me some great tips on how to look for opportunities, because its one thing I had no idea about how to go about doing. So today I emailed a teacher of a course I took last year that I enjoyed and asked if there are any opportunities for research with her department.

****

In other news, December looks like it will be a fairly stress-less month. I have a pretty important exam from biochemistry and our Ethics final exam but otherwise things are winding down a bit and I have a lot of free time.

What a week - and its only Monday

This week has gotten off to a not-so-great start.

Well, it all started over the weekend actually. I found out on Saturday that a close family member suffered an intense health issue. I found out on the day that we were hosting 6 of my oldest son's 10 and 11 year old friends for a sleepover birthday party. I'm ok now, but still processing it. It doesn't seem real and we still don't know to what extent of damage we will be dealing with.

I found out Sunday that I have to prepare a 3 page essay, due Tuesday, for my upcoming option course in suturing. And oddly, the topic has nothing to do with surgery.

There was a bit of confusion regarding a test in biochemistry this week. Our class rep told us that its likely cancelled but then another classmate said she confirmed with the prof that its still on. A part of me was prepared for this but another part was hoping that it would be cancelled as I have another essay to write for physiology as well. I'm not sure when I'll get a chance to study for it and I really want to do well. I've been on a great streak lately with excellent marks (I got a 100% on a recent physiology test and a recent biochem test) and I want to keep it going.

But mostly I'm just worried about my family and being away from them at this tough time. Its hard, because I feel a bit helpless even though I know that being there wouldn't make a difference.

And I'm tired. The weekend was a killer because the boys didn't go to sleep till 2AM and one of them set his alarm for 7AM and surprisingly they all got up at that time. I ate chocolate cake for both breakfast and lunch for the sugar (and because it was seriously delicious) which wasn't the best choice either. But I did get a decent workout in, which helped with my mood and overall felt better.

Still. I really can't wait for this week to be over. Already.

Hello 2nd year!

Its now November and I've been back at school for a month! Crazy how fast it seems to be going.

The year didn't start out too great though. Lots of drama (long story short, I ran for and lost, two positions on the student government which was quite disappointing for me - but I just can't compete on popularity and that was my undoing).

But I think that things work out for the best. Even though we no longer have the pressure of not being able to move forward if we fail a specific class like we did last year with anatomy, there seems to be even more work. We have tests or homework due every week and I find that I also get more out of my classes when I prepare for them in advance (even if it means pre-reading the lecture slides).

Today I had a pretty important test so my husband suggested that I stay in town over night so I could study and then not have to get up too early. Worked well with the studying part but I made the mistake of having some coffee at 6PM and I was WIRED and had the hardest time falling asleep. I ended up I think falling a sleep some time after 3AM.

As a result, today I skipped my biochemistry lecture and epidemiology class because I knew I'd crash at some point if I went. Luckily the biochem lectures aren't mandatory and we're allowed to skip two epidemiology classes and I haven't skipped any to date. Still I really don't like skipping class if I can help it.

****

We've had a slightly tough few weeks because our nanny has taken a three week holiday. She has had this in the works since before she started working for us, so we knew about it way in advance. Timing wasn't the best for us but luckily my husband just adjusted his work schedule and has really taken control of everything. I'm so lucky in this regard. And she is back next week!

****

Even though its still years away, I'm starting to wonder about my next steps after medical school. Lots of people are surprised that I'm really not considering staying in Poland (well, mostly Polish friends) but I really don't want to. Don't get me wrong, I love it here at the moment and I want to take advantage of living here and exposing my kids to the language and culture, but I just don't see it as a forever type of thing.

My first choice would be to do my post-grad training in Canada but only if I match to a great residency and chances of that as an IMG (International medical school graduate) are slim. Plus I think there are some sort of "return of service" requirement which could have me moved to wherever to practice medicine for a specific length of time. I don't know if I can risk dragging my family to some remote northern Canadian town. If I was single, it wouldn't be an issue but I'm not.

My next choice would be the UK somewhere. Cons are that the program is way longer (about 5 years vs 2 years in Canada or the US). Pros are that we'd stay in Europe and I really love the UK, though Brexit puts everything in to the "unknown" category. Oh well, I'm hoping that things will be resolved by the time I graduate.

****
One thing I'm relieved about - though a bit worried am jinxing myself - is that I feel like our family life has finally settled down. Last year was rocky for all of us and I had a ton of stress and guilt over being gone so much. Part of me is still amazed that I was able to pass everything the way I did.

But its made me determined to try and get better grades this year. Fingers crossed that family drama will be kept to a minimum. I really want to do well this year.

Nursing internship

Last week I started my nursing internship. As part of my MD program, we are required to do a number of internships during the summer, the first being nursing. We are also responsible for getting our internships ourselves - we have to find hospitals that are willing to take us on and it’s all our responsibility. 

I think it’s great. I think it’s meant to show doctors how hard nurses work and to respect the work they do.

Doctors can be a bit stuck up and disrespectful or dismissive of nurses and this hopefully will give us a reality check. That said, I had a bunch of nurses be quite disappointed when they learned that I’m in need one and not nursing. One even said “ah, another one to turn their nose up at us when she is done”. I told her that I sincerely hoped not - and was able to win her over later. 

I was able to arrange to do my nursing internship at a local hospital which is an 8 minute bike ride from my home. It was a bit of a trade off though - it’s an orthopaedic hospital so it’s very specialized in terms of what types of problems I’ll be exposed to. But it’s close to home and means I’ll get to spend more time with my kids. 

Last week I was in the trauma ward where patients who suffered a trauma (like broken arm after a fall) or planned procedure (hip replacement) were placed post-op. It was a fairly calm ward so I think a great place to ease me. That said there was a lot of down time where nothing was going on and I found that a bit frustrating (for me - I’m sure the nurses themselves like it).

This week I’m in the ER. I’m hoping it’s a bit more fast paced!

I’ve always had huge respect for nurses and the profession as a whole, and I often get asked why I didn’t go for nursing instead of medicine. I’ll get to that in a minute.

I’m only a quarter of the way into the internship and so far it’s been great. I didn’t expect to LIKE it as much as I do. I mean sure, it’s been interesting and informative but also just FUN! 

However the reasons that I didn’t want to be a nurse are largely to do with flexibility and dependence. And as a result, to be honest, I never really considered it. Eventually, I want to be my own boss. I want to own and run a clinic somewhere. I did do a whole degree in business afterall and I am business minded. 

But that’s something I wouldn’t be able to do as a nurse - I’d forever be dependent on a hospital or doctor to hire me. I’d be stuck on shifts forever. Plus I’ll admit I want to be the one issuing orders instead of just taking them. I like problem solving, like the idea that I’m responsible, that I’m the one ultimately making the decision. And while that does in part scare me, it would also scare me to be told what to do knowing it’s wrong or even just not ideal and not really being able to do much about it. 

Still. I have a ton of respect for nurses and I do hope that I will be able to forge good relationships with the nurses I work with in the future. I’m so grateful to get this experience!

1st Year is...

DONE!

I passed everything. The histology exam was brutal though, it was so detailed! My group's teacher wrote the exam and she really honed in on the details as opposed to making it more broad like past finals have been. I left the exam feeling like I just passed or just failed.

 Only 50 out of 86 who were allowed to write passed and of those people the majority just scraped through (me included - I got a 67%, needed 60% to pass). A part of me wishes I had had a bit more time to study - I mostly was able to do just a high level review of the material and do some old exams (and this is what saved me - there were many similar questions). For the most part, the people that did well (got over 80%) were the people who didn't make it to the finals for anatomy and had over 2 weeks to prepare.

But I honestly don't care about my grade. I managed to accomplish what I wanted - to pass all my exams on the first attempt and not have to rewrite and study for anything over the summer.

So now I'm going to take a well-deserved break and focus on hanging out with my family. I do have to arrange my nursing internship still, but I plan on doing that in September when my oldest is back in school and we are back to a more "normal" routine.

Last one

Today I had my histology practical final and it was such a drama.

I was sure - SURE - that I failed. The slides I had to identify were hard! I thought I knew the list of structures we needed to know so well but the specimens I got were so different.

It started off badly because my slides didn't appear to be in order. And the I couldn't recognize my first slide. Was it thymus gland or parotid gland? I froze! And time kept ticking...we have to identify 10 slides (ie. we have to name the organ or structure) in 10 minutes under a microscope.

I was only on my 3rd slide when the proctor announced we had 5 minutes left and I still had 7 slides to go!

My hand was shaking the entire time and I rushed through the remaining slides and left the exam being sure of only 4 of them. And we needed 6 out of 10 to pass.

I consoled myself with a caramel frappucino from Starbucks while I debriefed the exam with my friend and then went home...and I emailed my teacher preemptively begging her that if I failed, would they let me try the retake before we broke for summer?

Luckily they decided to put us out of our misery quickly because only a few hours later they posted the results - and guys, I PASSED. I got 7/10 which is amazing because if you get over 6, they give you an additional 1% of each additional point that will count towards our theory final, which is tomorrow (though oddly, they only give you those extra marks if you pass, so its really only gravy, still I'll take it).

Anyway, this time tomorrow I'll be DONE. Done for the summer, hopefully not having to repeat the histology final.

But even if I have to, honestly I won't be *too* upset because my priority was to be done with anatomy and I am pretty confident in my ability to learn the histology - I just didn't have enough time from the end of the anatomy finals to these finals (6 days) be able to competently review the entire year.

So hopefully I'll scrape through.

Procrastinating

I have such study fatigue at the moment that I'm doing everything and anything to not study for my histology finals.

So far today I've:

• met up for lunch with my husband and then met up for another lunch with a couple of my classmates
• paid a bunch of bills (none urgent)
• done payroll for my dad's company (I do some accounting work for my dad's company - fair trade off for all the support I get from my parents).
• responded to a random and unnecessary LinkdIn message
• gone to Starbucks twice
• looked up Ali Wong memes
• got involved in some Facebook arguments on an anti-vax page and some other page about food
• thought about the future of this blog and how I want it to look like
• done some studying

Sigh. I hope this doesn't bite me in the ass. A part of me (the pre-exam, not facing consequence part) is like oh screw it, who cares if I have to rewrite the final? I will have more time to study! But the realistic part of me knows that the whole point is to NOT have to study any more and to just pass NOW. Plus it would be embarrassing to fail. 

Beyond Relieved

I passed the anatomy finals.

I'm so incredibly and utterly relieved. And happy.

Out of my class of 120 people, 41 were permitted to take the final exam and 3 were exempted (for having the 3 highest scores prior to the second term exam). Of those, 29 passed. I am one of them.

This was the hardest exam I've ever taken. The pins section, in particular was brutal and I honestly thought it would be the death of me. I left the exam not being sure if I passed it or not. I couldn't sleep over obsessing over some mistakes I knew I made and just hoped and even prayed that I did enough.

Did I do amazing? No. I got 68% on the pins and 84% on the theory for an overall average of 76% (they combine the scores). After the initial relief of finding out I passed, knowing that I will NOT have to study this summer, I started to be a *bit* disappointed in the actual score. I wished I had just stayed up and studied a bit later, taken more time to look at some of the specimens. Wondered if those episodes of Riverdale that I watched to give my mind a break are the reason I didn't get more pins correct.

But I needed to stop myself. I don't know if this is just something women do, but we often hone-in on our faults and over-look our successes. And when I think about it, I think I just did something incredible, really.

I passed the hardest subject of the year, something that about 25% of the class will have to repeat, the course that is used to cut people of the program. And I did it on the first attempt. I did it while balancing THREE children. Three children adjusting to me being away. A husband adjusting to me being away and with new responsibilities. Commitments that I still needed to keep, responsibilities that did not go away because I suddenly had so much more on my plate.

So I'm going to stop right here and just say how proud I am of myself that I did this, that the first major challenge has been met and overcome. I can do this.

Not done yet but...

The end is so close.

On Tuesday and Wednesday I have my Anatomy finals. I'm lucky I get to write them because...I failed my practical term exam. Or rather, I didn't get enough points, combined with my previous midterm and weekly quiz points, to be "allowed" to take the final. I don't know if it was the time lost due to the back pain fiasco or because I focused too much of my study time on my theoretical exam (which I did really well on at least) but I bombed the practical, which is identifying anatomical structures that are "pinned".

I was so mad at myself. I made the dumbest mistakes. Mostly because of lack of confidence rather than actually not knowing the structures. I looked at radiological images wrong. I "over-provided" info for structures (for example I put "ulnar artery of arm" - and since there is only an ulnar artery in the arm, putting "of arm" made it seem like there are more ulnar arteries and I got 0 points - if I had just left it as "ulnar artery" I would have gotten the full 2 points - yes, they are that strict).

However, I think it was a blessing in disguise. Because we do get another chance to write the final via an exam called the "Admissions" exam. However, instead of just this past semester, it is from the WHOLE year and we only had a week to prepare for it. And it forced to me start studying for everything right away.

So after a cry, I just buckled down and studied. Luckily I only had to study for the practical, so was able to just go over the structures again and again and again.

And I passed the admissions exam. It was SUCH a relief and it really was great practice for the final, which will be similar and probably a bit easier (based on what students from previous years have said).

I'm lucky though. Only 10 people out of 120 were allowed to write to the final based on just the term exams. A further 30 or so out of 110 people who did the admissions exams passed. Those people who failed the admissions exam are now going to have to petition the dean to be allowed to write the admissions AGAIN, which will happen in August and then will still have to sit the re-take final exam in September. If I fail this final exam, I'll have a chance at the re-take final. If I fail THAT I will have one last chance hail-Mary type of exam called a "Commissional Hearing" where a professor and a medical student from an upper year give you an oral exam and decide if they will put you through or not. And I heard if you make it to the finals in general, you're pretty much guaranteed to pass. Its passing the Admissions exams that the real obstacle, so I'm so glad I'm over it.

After Anatomy, I still have Histology left but I'm not as concerned about it. Because even if I fail that, I can still proceed to the 2nd year of medical school while if I fail Anatomy - even if I pass everything else - I still can't proceed to the 2nd year.

In any case, I'm planning on passing all of them on this first attempt. Wish me luck!

Not an ideal time

This morning, I threw out my back. 

After the success of last semester's move out during exams, I wanted to do it again. But instead of spending a bunch of money on an AirBnb, this time I decided to buy a pull-out couch for the office space my dad has in town (where I sometimes study) and "move in" there. Its perfect because it has a bathroom with a shower and a small kitchen, plus its walking distance to coffee shops (a necessity) and good places to eat. 

But I digress. IKEA delivered the couch this morning and I put it together. Then I just wanted to move it a bit to center it against the wall and I felt a "pop" followed by my back seizing up.

It. Hurt. So. Much. I've been dealing with some joint pain in my second metacarpalphalangeal joint of my right hand, but I know its because of my recent studying and over-use of my laptop/phone/tablet for Anki cards (best study device ever) and have just decided to push through it. But I knew this back spasm was much more serious and I can't just wait it out/medicate it with ibuprofen. The same thing happened to me this past Christmas and I learned the hard way that it won't just go away (I ended up going to the ER at 6AM after being unable to sleep for two days in a row due to the immense pain).

So I called an Uber and went to the hospital. Luckily I was able to see an orthopedic surgeon pretty quickly and he ordered me a shot (in the bum, fun times) to help ease the pain but without making me drowsy. I'd love to call in sick today and just lay on the couch-bed while on muscle relaxants but I have so much to study and review today. And I'm already way behind because of the hours lost going to/from the hospital. And unfortunately, the shot wasn't 100% effective. I can walk now (not hobble) but it still hurts and seizes up every once in a while.

Man, I'm on the verge. To add insult to injury, my period started today as well and I have some wicked cramps. Though maybe its for the best to get it over with now instead of getting it on the day of the exam. 

But time to get over my pity-party and learn some stuff. Still. Send some positive vibes/thoughts/prayers my way on Tuesday. 

Status report

Ok, so... I'm happy to report that I've passed everything - so far. I got 74% in biophysics (but its a pass/fail course, so the score doesn't matter). I passed Latin (I don't know my score yet, I only know I passed because the teacher sent us an email with the student IDs of the people who need to sit the retake and I wasn't on it, but its also pass/fail so I don't even care) and I also found out I passed the Histology term exam (I got a 70%).

Its funny because in the past, getting a 70% would have been almost like failing in my eyes. Unless there is a "9" in front, I wasn't happy.

But my perspective has changed. First of all, again, only about 40% of the class passed this first attempt. And even less people can say that they passed all three term exams without doing a retake and yet I'm one of them. In fact, I've yet to have to retake any exam. And second of all, this time I'm a mom with three kids. My study time is limited, no matter how much help I get, I'm still their mom and they need me. And I need them. I need that time with them to push me to learn as much as I can and to pass. Because that's the ultimate goal.

Of course the biggest challenge awaits - and that's anatomy. I'm nervous about it because like I've probably mentioned a million times, its the one course that I *need* to pass this year in order to move on to the next year. My term exams (one in theory and one practical) are next week and then I have to start studying for the finals as they are a short two weeks later.

However, in spite of all my studying demands, I decided to take this morning "off". I got up with the kids and dropped them off at school. Then I went to the mall and did some shopping. I wanted to get myself some summer clothes as the weather has been off the charts hot recently, but I wasn't able to find anythingI liked. Still, I'm happy because I finally got around to getting my middle son some badly needed new sneakers and got my daughter some sandals. I got all the kids a small gift for Children's Day (June 1st in Poland). But to make sure I didn't leave without a little something for myself, I treated myself to a new body wash and bath bomb.

Then I walked to the place where I'm going to study and the movement felt good. I think people (read: students) really underestimate how helpful exercise is before exams. I went to my personal trainer for a workout session the day before my histology exam, even though going there, the workout and coming back home during rush hour cost me about two hours of study time.

But now its officially afternoon and I need to get to it. My last anatomy class is in a few hours and my last chance to earn an extra point or two towards my exam.

And just like that

I have six weeks left of my first year of medical school. Hopefully, that is.

About 70% of my class will fail at least one of the major final exams; those from Histology or Anatomy. Luckily there are retake exams. However these are at the end of September, shortly before the new year is about to start.

I cannot let myself be in that majority. I cannot! The thought of having my summer ruined with the knowledge that I should be studying all summer long makes me want to put the kettle on to make another cup of coffee and keep reading my texts book for an hour - or two - longer.

But before finals in those subjects, I still have to pass the term tests which will give me permission to attempt the final exam. And if I fail THOSE then I have to start studying for the terrifying "admissions" exam, which is an exam you a have to take if you don't qualify for the final, as a last ditch effort to qualify for the final. This concept is still one that I'm wrapping my mind around. And I'm still not quite sure what happens if you don't pass the admissions test. I do know though, that if you fail the anatomy retake, you cannot progress to the 2nd year and effectively add another year to your program.

So I'm a bit stressed now. Not crazy stressed (yet) but my nails are on the short side and I feel a bit anxious every minute that I'm not studying.

Some of my friends and students I've talked to seem to have made their peace with the fact that they WILL be rewriting one or both exams in the fall and really don't seem to be bothered by it.

But I feel like I've worked too hard and frankly, my family has made a lot of sacrifices for me this past year and I want to make it up to them by being full present and engaged in my family life all summer. I also want to relax, unwind, read novels and nap and feel like I truly deserve it and without the nagging feeling of "should be studying" at the back of my mind all the time.

So wish me luck and hopefully I'll be back soon with the good news that I passed.

Time off...but not really.

I have this whole week off school for Easter break.

I laugh, though, at the "off" part. Because as a mom who is a med student, you don't really have time off. At least, not to relax.

Still, I did have a great week. I took my oldest son on a trip to London and Paris - my husband took the younger two to New Zealand to visit his family for a month a few weeks ago, but the trip would have been too much missed school for both my son and me. So to make up missing out on the New Zealand trip, I decided to take him on a trip of his own. It was great to go with just him and was a good look at how much easier it will be to travel when our younger two are older. Living in Europe and being so close to so many amazing places really is a huge bonus.

Now with the last few days before classes resume, I'm just using it to get caught up on life stuff. Today I spent the day grocery shopping, buying some flowers for the garden (hurray for spring!), getting my iPad repaired, picked up some dry cleaning and then spent a chunk of time making dental appointments for my son and me as well as a physical for me. In order to be able to get it all done this week I have to spend practically the entire day in the medical clinic because of weird spacing between appointments, though I was super lucky to get in on such short notice. We have private health care here in Poland and while some aspects of it are great, honestly it feels like a factory where you are just being pushed through. Its not very personal, I rarely am able to see the same doctor twice and if I do request a doctor I liked, chances are I'd have to wait a long time (like several months). It feels no different to how it was in Canada, yet we pay thousands for it every month.

So today is done and I feel like I got little accomplished. I'd planned on going for a run and maybe doing a workout but I managed to pull a muscle in my neck and just don't feel like it. Tomorrow I'll be hanging out at the clinic. I think I'll take some text books and do some studying so at least I'm semi-productive. Then I'll have just three days to try and rest and relax before classes restart and my husband returns with the littles.

But I'm not complaining. This is the life I wanted.

Women’s Rights

Today I’m going to a protest here in Warsaw. We are going to protest a recent government proposal, influenced by Catholic bishops, to further restrict the already incredibly strict abortions laws in Poland. Currently the law allows abortion only in the case of rape, mortal danger to the mother’s health or in the event the fetus has a lethal or very serious congenital condition. The new law proposes to get rid of the last condition and require that a women who is pregnant with a fetus with serious defects or illness carry to term. 

This is unfathomable to me. I cannot imagine what it would be like to know that my child has no brain or a condition that would mean they will suffer after  birth and die because their condition is not compatible with life - and be FORCED to carry that child to term, to endure childbirth and then have to watch that child die or linger in pain and suffering for an indefinite period of time. I cannot imagine being FORCED to give birth to a child that will be so sick or disabled that my life would be forced to revolve around their care. Because let’s be real - this responsibly falls to the woman, the mother, in the vast majority of cases. 

I cannot support this. I cannot stay home and quietly rage about it either. I’m not going to get into a discussion on abortion in general. I’m 100% pro-choice, however it’s a choice that I wouldn’t be able to make lightly. I don’t know what I’d do if I discovered I was pregnant with a horrifically sick child. I don’t know because I haven’t been in that position. Not only that, I come from a position of incredible privilege. I’m in a loving, stable relationship. I have a ton of resources - physical and financial - available to me, to support me, to help me. I’d be able to afford the best medical treatment and additional help. I have a family and friends who would be there for me. I have a husband who would be able to support our family on his own without me working. And yet. I still don’t know what I’d do if I were faced with it in reality and not in a hypothetical situation. But I know one thing for sure. I’d want the choice to be MINE. Because the consequences would be MINE. 

I value life. Don’t get me wrong. I know that abortion is ending a life. I’m not going to give the argument that a fetus isn’t a person, or that it’s just a bunch of cells or anything like that. To me, it’s a life. But the mother’s life is ALSO a life. It is the mother alone that faces the risk of death (childbirth is still a leading cause of women’s death all over the world), it’s the mother alone whose body is changed, often damaged, who will lose opportunities, will lose wages, lose time with family and friends and who will ultimately be left with the care of the baby afterwards. How is that caring about and valuing life? Life is more than the physical act of being alive, breathing and blood circulating the body. At least, to me.

I also respect the Catholic Church’s position. They can have the position of no abortion in any case. That’s fine. But what they shouldn’t do is force this on anyone. If someone is Catholic and chooses to submit to the church’s position, that should be their choice. The church has its platform, it has many ways to try and persuade its followers and others to adopt this position too. They can appeal to people’s consciences, their morality, their faith. But NOT to the legal system. In my opinion, if the church, with its incredibly strong reach and influence here in Poland, cannot convince people without forcing their beliefs into law, then that is their failure. 

Similarly with the government. If they want to persuade women to not have abortions, they should do much, much more to help those women during their pregnancies and after birth. Not redirect EU funds for aiding families with children with disabilities to antiabortion campaigns. Not banning children with disabilities from public schools because of the “cost” accommodate those children. Not allowing pharmacies to not fulfill birth control prescriptions because the pharmacist’s “conscience” is against birth control. 

So today I’ll be joining thousands of women in Warsaw and around Poland and demand that this law is not enacted. 

I’m AGAINST further restrictions on abortion in Poland. I stand with Polish women. 

A new why

Today we had our first day of new course called Addiction Medicine.

Hands down my favourite day of class so far to date because today we got hear and speak with a real patient.

It was so amazing, so informative and so USEFUL for us as future doctors. I've been very interested in addiction for a long time. One of my favourite authors is this Irish woman called Marian Keyes and her books though I guess technically would fall under the "chick-lit" category, are so insightful into this topic because she herself is an alcoholic and actually wrote her first book while in rehab. It was her book "Rachel's Holiday" about a 20-something girl who ends up in rehab after an accidental overdose that sparked my interest in addiction and taught me so much (honestly, today I felt like the book was taken from the course, it had so many parallels).

Anyway, one thing that I learned today that I didn't know before and was mentioned by our professor is that often addiction is masked by or overshadowed by depression because people are more likely to bring up being sad, tired etc to a healthcare practitioner but are usually in denial about substance abuse and won't bring it up. Often addiction and depression go together, however they are two separate diseases and that the addiction often needs to be treated first. Because treating depression on its own will not treat addiction and can in fact make it worse, as depression often has a therapy component that causes us to face certain feelings that are hard to cope with.

So basically I learned that when I'm a practicing doctor, I need to make sure I look to addiction issues if I ever suspect depression.

When the novelty wears off

I don't know if its the weather (bitterly cold, smoggy) or because I had a roughish night last night, but I'm at a point now where the novelty has worn off a bit and I'm feeling it.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE this program. So much. I love every class, even the classes that other people hate or think are useless. Every day I'm convinced over again that this is where I belong. That I was meant to do this.

But one thing I find harder is being away from the kids, even though this morning I was happy to escape. Last night's interrupted sleep made me grumpy and impatient and so not in the mood to deal with missing Lego Ninjago pieces, uncharged cell phones and a whiney toddler while trying to get ready for a long day.

However I just had three weeks off to spend with them and it was nice to be there for them. Timing worked out and I got to go to some school plays, take them out for hot chocolates and read every night. And it was nice not to have to rush too much to get out of the house and sleep in a bit.

And next week my husband is taking the younger two off to visit his family in New Zealand for a month and it makes my heart tighten when I think of them being away from me. I already miss them, tantrums and all. But I'm also a bit relieved that I'll have more time to devote to school. This semester is a killer and a lot of courses I have are front-loaded.

I guess I've been feeling guilty about this in a way that I wasn't when I first started the program. My oldest had an issue at school and I wonder if its somehow my fault because I'm not around as much. My middle asked me why I have to be away so much and when I explained that I'm learning how to be a doctor, he flat out said "I DON'T WANT YOU to be a doctor mummy. I miss you."  I feel bad about missing out on the trip to New Zealand and that my husband will need to put them into daycare for a few hours a day when he has to work. I realize its all because of my decision to go to medical school.

Sigh. I know this is normal. I know I'm allowed to be selfish and I deserve to follow this dream. But it doesn't make it easier.

Sigh of relief

A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders today. I got the results back from my Histology theoretical exam. I got 80%, which was the 5th highest score out of 117 people who wrote it AND only 30% of the people who wrote passed. So I'm very proud of myself. I got 100% on the practical, but it was really easy and most people passed (we just had to correctly identify 3 out of 5 histological slides). The theoretical had me worried because I found a lot of the past tests to be difficult.

I have my anatomy exams, both practical and theoretical tomorrow, so I'm not out of the woods yet. Anatomy is much harder in my opinion but I feel now that I have a renewed energy and confidence that I know what I'm doing.

Anyway, back to anatomy! Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Of course this would happen.

Ugh. I've been away for just a few days and already am feeling wretched for leaving the kids. My mom called me just now to inform me that my two year old daughter has croup. She has been coughing badly for a few days and my mom called the doctor (we have an amazing insurance that includes free house calls) and she just called me to tell me that the doctor diagnosed croup.

I really wish I could be there, just to cuddle her. My husband told me that she has been in an awful grump today, likely because her coughing caused her to have a poor quality sleep, and she practically dove into her crib for nap.

I know this is what I signed up for and I knew that my kids would have to make sacrifices. I know that my daughter is getting excellent care from my mom and my husband. But I want to be there too.

Sigh. Back to studying. Hopefully she'll feel better soon, once she gets her meds. In the meantime I'll just have to deal with a bit of an ache in my heart.

Moving out

My midterms are starting in two weeks, so I made the decision to move out of my house for those two weeks so I can focus on studying.

I've found myself an Airbnb a few blocks from where I have class and plan to hole myself up here and study.

I was hoping to get some studying done over the holidays and I barely got any in. First my husband and I fell sick and then my parents did. Any time I would try and get some quiet time to do some studying, I wound up getting interrupted so I just gave up the attempt.

At first I planned on just taking a week but when I realized my exams were earlier than officially posted (gotta love that shitty admin - luckily was mentally prepared for this), I knew there was no way I'd be prepared well enough.

Its hard though. I already miss the kids so much and can't shake the guilt tugging at my heart. Even though I know they will be totally fine with my mom, my husband and our wonderful nanny. They're more than capable of taking care of them.

Still. I do feel a bit guilty about being able to get the proper sleep and time to relax and get ready for these exams. They will be the first "real" test of my progress and I'm nervous. Not panicky, but still, nervous.

To make the most of my time, I also booked myself a tutor from Anatomy to help me prepare.

I definitely get a wave of gratitude washing over me when I think about how lucky I am to have the support that I do. That my husband was totally ok with me moving out - and in fact was the one who encouraged me to do the full two weeks -  and paying to live away from home for such a long time. That my mom volunteered to come and help. That we can afford our incredibly flexible nanny.