MATCHED!

 I can't believe that I can finally write these words - I MATCHED! To family residency in Newfoundland. IN CANADA! This was something that I was told was next to impossible, that the odds were against me, that it most likely wouldn't happen.

And yet it did. I did it. 12 years after I started this journey, I finally made it. 

Looking up...

 Its amazing how much can change in a short amount of time.

My previous post was definitely negative. I was LOW at the time.

But some good news!

1. I decided to follow up with the Foundation Programme in the UK and they actually ended up saying I CAN retake the SJT. So literally 4 hours after I landed back in Poland I hopped a plane to London so I could take the exam.

2. I ended up passing the first round of the Irish internship exam. I honestly don't know how, because it was such a weird exam. And I discovered almost everyone else that I know that took it, failed. Today I took the second part and waiting to take the final part on Friday.

3. I got two interviews for Canada! One with Memorial University of Newfoundland & Labrador and one with Saskatchewan! I'm still in shock. And pretty proud of myself that I got that far. Getting those interviews was a massive confidence boost.

But I was bitterly disappointed to be rejected by Ontario and Dalhousie (I was also rejected by Manitoba, but for some reason that one didn't bother me as much). Still. I'm incredibly grateful that I will at the very least have the UK as a back up - that feeling of having a safety net again is back.

And good news I discovered that this year for the second iteration of the CaRMS match, Ontario will be making all unmatched spots "competitive" - in the past IMGs would only be able to apply to any unmatched IMG spots, which is incredibly rare. But I guess because so many spots were going unmatched last year they needed to make a change. 

It's funny because even though I felt a huge wave of relief by being selected by Saskatchewan (and MUN) for interviews, a part of me almost hopes that I don't match and will be able to try for Ontario in the second round.

Of course, thats purely an emotional response - because Ontario is my home province and I want to go home. And I would be fine being anywhere, even up north in Thunder Bay or Timmins. Logically though I know that is stupid and I'm going to do my very best in the interviews. 

At the end of the day, Canada is my goal. If I have to spend some time in Saskatchewan or Newfoundland, so be it. I'm definitely leaning to Saskatchewan though - its a shorter return of service (two years vs five years with MUN) plus the steams I can apply to are a bit better for my family. 

Anyway, now I need to get back to studying for finals. I have psych tomorrow and I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be. 

Waiting

 I honestly don't even know where to start.

What a rollercoaster I've been on.

I started this final year of med school just gunning for Canadian medical residency, but with the sure knowledge that I'll have the UK as a back up. Last minute I decided to apply for Irish internship, because why not? Always good to have options.

I ended up doing really well on the NAC, and my score was in the "pass with superior performance" category. However my MCCQE1 score was slightly below average which was a bit disappointing. I needed more time to study for it, but I just didn't have the time. As it was, I took it on the last possible day to take it to make me eligible for the 2023 CaRMS cycle and had already missed the BC special pre-application deadline, and made me out of the running for over 50 Family Medicine spots. In the end, when I compared my scores to those of people who got interviews in the previous match cycle, it seemed my scores were on the low end of competitive, but still competitive enough to get an interview. So I was going into it all full of hope and knowing I have some solid back ups.

But.

Unfortunately, my SJT for the Foundation Programme for the UK experience has been an absolute nightmare. I decided to take the exam on the first available date. Since we were going to New Zealand for Christmas (and because I got a Family Medicine clinical elective in Jordan's home town), I wanted to have it done and ticked off my list. Unfortunately, I had so many technical issues, the proctor asked me if I'd like to just void my exam and retake it later. I agreed. However I had to get approval and by the time I got it, I was already in NZ. I took the retake, again remotely because the closest center was in Sydney and this time all was good. Except for some reason the proctor ended my exam when I was starting the final section. I contacted the exam provider and they admitted the error was theirs and that I can retake the exam. However, the FP said I can't. Even though it wasn't my fault at all. So now I'll probably just end up with a horrible score and as a result, a super low rank.

Then a few days before we were supposed to go back to Poland my eldest son suffered from a spontaneous pneumothorax (which I actually diagnosed myself prior to taking him to the ER). Two weeks later, after being airlifted to the children's hospital in Wellington, and having surgery on both lungs, thankfully he is back home, at my in-laws house, and recovering nicely. But he can't travel for at least 6 weeks. Luckily my husband has a lot of flexibility with his job and can work remotely so he will stay with him, while I go back to Poland with our younger two to resume my final few months of med school.

But through all of this, I had to finalize and submit my CaRMS applications. I also had to take the first part of the Irish internship exam, which I had NO time to study for and no idea if I was able to scrape a 60% to pass it to be eligible for the next round.

I just feel so defeated. Today I discovered a lot of people who applied for the Ontario family medicine programs got interview invites and I haven't received one yet. I'm getting legitimately scared I'll graduate without a single job offer, in spite of the fact that I had two (what I thought) solid back ups. 

Anyway, maybe it will all workout and all this worry and stress will have been for nothing. But at the moment, I'm feeling pretty low.

And just like that

I'm just a bit over a month away from starting my final year of med school. Its crazy how quickly the time has gone. 

But honestly, the last year of med school doesn't even seem that important right now. Because so much has been going on and is going. 

Refugee crisis is on going and even though most of the people we had been housing have moved on, either back to Ukraine or moved to Canada, the US or UK, we still have one person with us. However, she is also Canada bound, having received notification of her visa approval this morning.

I'll be honest - I'm relieved that we will have the house back to ourselves because this past year has been exhausting. I don't regret a thing and would do it again without a thought, but its was a huge effort. One day, maybe I'll write it all out. But for now, I just need some peace.

And unfortunately, some of the collateral damage has been my ability to study for the Canadian licensing exam and the required exam, the NAC, that I need to take as an IMG applying to Canada. The chaos, the demands on my time and general stress of the responsibility for so many people really took a toll on me. I gained like 15 lbs, I got Covid for the second time (it was inevitable as only one of the Ukrainians was vaccinated). I got so behind on my study plan and missed out on the ability to do a clinical GP elective in the UK (I tested positive for Covid the day before I was due to start the elective). 

I was scheduled to take both the exams in September, however now I'm just going to do the NAC, as not taking it would result in a failed mark and I would have to forfeit the $3,020 that the exam cost. Not only that, my next opportunity would be in September 2023 and it would have counted as one of my 3 lifetime attempts. So I decided to focus on the NAC even though everyone recommended that I do the MCCQE1 first. But there is no way I'll be ready for that one too and at least with the MCCQE1 I only had to pay $95 to change my date to November 9th. And that is the last day I can take the MCCQE1 if I want to have a shot at a Canadian residency. God, it's so expensive to become a doctor in Canada. It's truly a profession only the rich and privileged can afford. I'm so lucky that I happen to be one of those people. 

Honestly though, I'm so confused about this whole process. Part of me thinks that applying without any real clinical experience is a waste of time, but then recently during a prep course I took for the NAC, the instructor really stressed the importance of these two exams as they are the only objective measures that program directors have to filter candidates and that realistically, the only ones that stand a chance are those that are in the top 200-300. It's a scary prospect.

But what can I do? I knew this wouldn't be easy and luckily I've gotten past the first hurdle of the UK side at least. Meaning that I scored high enough on the language proficiency part (which, let me tell you isn't that easy and many people end up not doing well enough for). So, at least I'm eligible to apply there. And the next step will be writing the SJT exam. Fingers crossed I get the chance to do it in December. We are gong to New Zealand for Christmas this year and I really want to be able to just relax.

Anyway, this summer was pretty much a bust. I've been studying full time with only short breaks for my sister's wedding a bit of time with Jordan's parents. I can't wait for it to be over and get the exams over with too. 

I probably won't do another update until after the exams are done and (hopefully) passed. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Adjusting expectations

 Its been a while since I last updated on here and honestly its because the past 6 months (!) have been insane.

First, our nanny broke her leg just a couple of weeks into the beginning of my school year. In the end, she was out of commission for over 3 months and came back to work just after the end of the first semester. I had been worried about exams, especially because we had our big neurology final in January but luckily my mom came to help us during that time and it was a godsend. 

Then soon after she left, the Russian invasion of Ukraine began and with it, the refugee crisis. Jordan and I couldn't stand by and do nothing so we opened our house to them. In total we had 12 people stay at our place, ranging from one night to over two months, ages between 4 months old and 31 years old. This is the first week since the war began that we don't have someone from Ukraine under our roof! But it was a huge task with so many people suddenly needing our help - everything from helping with getting a visa to Canada for one teenage boy to taking kids to the doctor to a mini Covid epidemic in our home. Not only was my time again greatly limited but it was also very noisy and disruptive, so it was hard to get much extra studying done. I don't regret a moment of it though - it was the right thing to do and I'd do it again.

And the whole time with Covid hanging around (including both me and my middle son getting it and being quarantined) and dealing with typical parenting stresses. 

(For anyone interested in reading more about our experiences with housing refugees, please check out my instagram profile).

But now I'm less than 2 months from the end of the school year and my progress and list of things I wanted to accomplish is nowhere near where I had hoped it would be. I've only done 18% of the UWorld question bank. I haven't done ANY extra clinical work. I had to pause my work on my medical journal. I finally found a study partner for the NAC but she's suddenly become MIA. 

It's been so frustrating. Even this past week, we had the week off for Easter and I had arranged to a short GP rotation/observership with my friend who is a GP in Bristol, UK. I was excited to finally be able to see what it's like to work in the UK and also because she would be able to write me a letter of recommendation afterwards. Except the day before I was about to start, I tested positive for Covid (my second time). So of course I had to tell her and wasn't able to do it. 

I don't know, I just feel that it's like two steps forward, two steps back with this whole process. From studying the CaRMS requirements for the various residency programs, there are two things that stick out as crucial - the first is doing well on the MCCQE1 and NAC. At the moment, to get an interview for an Ontario residency (which which would be my top choice), they only offer spots to the people with the top 300 scores. Next, they will look at clinical experience.

To be honest I'm not sure how much clinical experience we are expected to get/have at this point because all elective rotations in Canada have been suspended until 2024. Which means I'll be totally ineligible to get even one before the application deadline for the 2023 intake. But I also know, learning from my NAC study partner, that there are students who are PAYING private doctors in Canada to get clinical rotations and letters of recommendation from those doctors, which is really unfair and its explicitly stated that contacting doctors outside the official channel is not allowed. 

Anyway, its looking more and more likely that I'll end up in the UK for residency. It's not the worst thing though. One thing that I like is that they have the Foundation Programme, a 2 year internship where you rotate through different areas of medicine before applying to specialty training. Part of me feels relieved at the extra training because I feel that I've been so deprived of most of my opportunities to learn. Sure it would mean postponing becoming a fully qualified doctor, but at this point in my life I honestly don't even care. I want to be a good and safe doctor for my future patients, above all else. Also, being an English speaking country, my husband will finally be able to look for a better job. The kids will be able to attend school no problem. And even though it's across the Atlantic, it's still closer to Canada than Poland. 

However its still crucial that I do well on the exams and I don't know if I will be able to, at least not by the time I'll need to write/do them in September. To be honest, I'm more worried about the NAC since I'm still a bit unclear on how exactly the exam looks and what its like. I will definitely look into a course or something that maybe I'll be able to take in August or September. In the mean time though, I'll do my best to chip away at the question bank. My plan is that if come September after I take a practice test and don't do well, I'll post pone the exam till April or May 2023 and just go to the UK and apply for residency from there. 

Well, that is that for now. Ugh. I hate how negative I sound but have to admit I'm feeling a bit down about it all. I think part of it too is I'm just feeling really exhausted after this most recent bout of Covid. Hopefully I'll get out of this funk soon. In the meantime, I'm off to do some more extensive research on the best places to live in the UK. 

Curve ball

 You know that saying "if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans"? Well, its so true - at least for me at the moment.

This year was supposed to be dedicated to studying for the MCCQE1 and the NAC. I had all these plans to study 20-50 questions per day from UWorld and do flash cards whenever possible. To prepare for each up coming rotation with Toronto Notes. Also I had hoped to finally get involved in some of the medical clubs to get some more hands on experience with patients. I had discussed this with my husband and our nanny that this will require more from them with dealing with with everything related to the kids and home. 

I wanted to focus on studying and use my free time on the kids for fun stuff and to workout and stay on track with relatively healthy eating (nutrition is the first of my habits to slid into unwanted territory and I really wanted to avoid that.

And then our nanny goes and breaks her leg 4 weeks ago. Barely 3 weeks into the school year and our nanny is 100% out of commission until early in the new year at the earliest. My parents had just left to go back to Canada and Jordan's parents are still TBD regarding their visit her.  Which means we have zero help available to us. 

Its forced me to have to really scale down my expectations. And to be honest I was really anxious about it. I'm not angry at our nanny - she is a wonderful person - but I do miss her and admit that I get really annoyed about the situation (however I would like to state for the record that we are continuing to pay her salary 100% for as long as it takes for her to be healed and back at work - this was an accident and she shouldn't have to be punished financially). Because now a huge chunk of the kid and home stuff falls on me. Jordan works from noon till about 8PM and I'm usually done class by 1PM and home by 3PM. This means most of the time I can make it to pick the kids up from school. But as a result I have totally lost my afternoons. The time I had allocated to extra study or picking up a shift at the hospital now is devoted to driving to pick up the kids (who go to three different schools), driving to take my middle son to soccer, stopping by the grocery store, doing laundry, helping with homework...

But...I've definitely taken an "all or something" approach that I learned via the Balance 365 Life program. Shit happens to everyone. And wallowing in self pity will get me no where. So I'm just trying to adjust as best as I can. Everything can't be perfect. Laundry mostly gets done on the weekends but I try and throw a load on here and there during the week. The house is messier but as long as its not crazy bad, I just ignore it. I have though made the kids take more responsibility for cleaning and helping so thats been a positive thing to come out of this. Dinner is a bit chaotic but Jordan is stepping in as well so its not terrible. I'm actually surprised how little we've resorted to McDonalds so far. The kids don't get a bath every day but I still make sure that they wash their hands, faces and brush their teeth well before bed. 

And as far as studying, some days I'll only do 2 or 3 UWorld questions. But 2 or 3 is still better than none. I still go to Crossfit in the evenings when I can, but don't go everyday like I had been and another trade off is that sometimes this means the kids end up going to bed later. 

I hope that when our nanny is healed and rehabbed I'll be able to make up for some lost time study wise and worst case I'll just push the dates of when I will take the exam back a bit.

In the meantime, I'm taking it one day at a time.

287

 Year 5 - my penultimate year of medical school - has started!

It's crazy to think that I'm already in 5th year. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed! 5th year always seemed to me so far away, and so close to the end. 

But this year is going to be intense. This is the year that I'll have to study for the Canadian medical licensing exam (MCCQE1) as well as the NAC, an OSCE style exam that I need to take as an IMG. Not to mention I'll need to be stalking the AFMC student portal to try and snag an elective rotation or two in Canada prior to applying to residencies. Which will be happening in just ONE year from now.

Its making me nervous, I'm not going to lie. As of my last check of the CaRMS website, it looks like I will be eligible for one of 287 IMG family medicine spots. In ALL of Canada. It seems like so little! Part of me almost doesn't even want to bother, but I also know that I can do it if I do everything right. I also think that one of the reasons that so many people are unsuccessful is also because there are so many requirements and things that need to be done way in advance, I can see people dropping the ball. Also, I'm going to apply as broadly as possible. Sure I'd prefer to be in Ontario most, with BC second, but I'm not going to true my nose up at Saskatchewan or Manitoba. I just want to get my foot in the Canadian door.

My plan is to start studying for the MCCQE1 now with a goal to write the exam in May. Part of me would prefer to wait till the summer break but I also a) need to do the NAC and b) need the summer to be as free as possible because of the possibility to do electives in Canada. And because my sister is going to try her third attempt at having her wedding go ahead (being cancelled twice now thanks to Covid) and I'd love to attend without the exam hanging over my head. That and being able to have a chance to do a retake if I fail.

I've been recommended by almost everyone to use the USMLE Step 2 question bank from UWorld as my main study focus with the Canada Qbank as my supplement for the Ethics part and CBD portion. I want to try and get through the UWorld Qbank twice and then move on to Canada Qbank and then do the MCCQE1 practice exam like a week or two before the actual one. Its an ambitious plan, especially considering that we are almost fully back in-class/in-hospital at school (for which I am actually super grateful). 

If anyone has any additional tips or advice, I welcome them in the comments!

 Things are moving along. I got approval from the ethics committee to go ahead with my paper. Still waiting to see if the abstract will get accepted but I'm relieved that the timing worked out with the ethics approval. Regardless of whether or not the abstract is accepted, I'll be able to start writing the paper and doing a thorough analysis now. Fingers crossed I can hobble together some sort of decent paper that will be good enough to publish.

I've also had some great classes recently. The pediatric gastroenterology department was fantastic and I learned so much. After that we had dermatology and I absolutely LOVED it. To be honest I was really surprised how much I liked derm and its the first time that a specialization appealed to me to the level where I'd consider actually pursuing it. However, even though I loved it, I don't think I loved it to the point that I'd want to take the risk of pursuing it. Dermatology is probably one of the most competitive specializations you can pursue in medicine, and there is no way I'd be competitive enough. Plus I can do dermatology within a family medicine practice and I think that I'd be totally good with that.

I ended up being able to volunteer at a vaccine clinic close to my house and will keep going there whenever I have a gap in my schedule. My job mostly consists of taking temperature, helping the patients fill out the consent form and answering some questions. I was also able to convince one patient's daughter-in-law to also get vaccinated when her time came. Its really crazy to hear what people read and believe about vaccines thats just total BS. To be honest I do worry that vaccine hesitancy will be too high for us to reach that critical herd immunity level we so desperately need to start getting back to some semblance of normal.

On the plus side, both my parents and our nanny have received their first doses of the Covid-19 vaccine so its been a huge relief. 

Its looking more and more unlikely that we will be able to visit Canada this summer but I'm still holding out hope that I'll somehow be able to secure an elective rotation in September, and keep refreshing the AFMC website to see if there are any updates.

In some ways I'm so lucky that I'm in my 4th year rather than 5th year or 6th year because I have time to recover from the shit show that is this pandemic. It still a little disconcerting that this thing is dragging on so long and even with the vaccines, the time line is not nearly as quick for it to be over as I had thought initially. I do feel for some friends who are further along in their studies who were royally screwed over and have had to fall back on backup plans. One will be going to the UK for Foundation Training and another will be trying to get some experience as an assistant at a doctors office. 

Overall I'm still just so grateful that I get to be studying medicine and still haven't regretted my choice nor how this journey has been playing out at ALL. 

Need to level up

Its really been hitting me recently that I'm now half way through 4th year. We are now clearly on the downhill portion of my medical school journey. But it also means less time to get those required experiences checked off my list.

My post-grad group has been very popular especially lately. I've managed to secure some great speakers to run info-sessions on getting into various English speaking residencies and inspired one member to start a spin-off group for those who want to pursue residency in German.

But I've also been attending some of these sessions too, because I also have a lot to learn and recently a friend of mine did one on the USA. He really reinforced how much the average med student as accomplished before even getting accepted into medical school and how these are the people we are competing with for residency. I mean, it's not that different in Canada.

And as much as I'd love to be able to say "HEY! I graduated med school with three kids!"  its really not going to be enough. I need to push myself to do more, to improve my CV and overall experiences.

I've started to work on a research paper on the attitudes of medical students in Poland towards abortion. I found a great mentor to help me, but I'm still waiting for approval from our school's ethics committee. I heard they can take ages though so I thought I'd just start doing the analysis and write up of the report. My mentor suggested that I present it as an abstract at a medical student conference coming up in May so I want to try and finish my preliminary work for it in the next few weeks to meet the deadline.

Next my husband suggested that since I've received both doses of the covid vaccine already, that I volunteer at some local clinics. I've called two of them already and have received a very positive response and will hear back soon as to when etc they need me. I told them I'm willing to help out in any fashion.  To be honest, I have been feeling a bit guilty, for lack of a better word, that I was able to get the vaccine so early. I think its a bit crazy for us med students to get it, when most of our courses are online. And also a bit pointless - I contacted the IM department at my university to see if I can finally complete my mandatory IM summer practice that I was supposed to do last summer, and was still told I can't because of COVID, because they still don't know if we can transmit the virus to others Sigh. So I'm just sitting at home, with all my classes on MS Teams for the next few weeks. When I mentioned this to my husband he told me to try locally instead. And that way I can both be useful, close to home and potentially include it in my CV, even if it won't count towards my practical experience requirement. 

So thats my plan for now. That and reaching out to all my contacts to see what I can do to maximize my chances of landing a Canadian residency. I have a call with the son of a good friend of my dad's who is a family doctor in BC. He already mentioned he talked to his program director about me and will tell me everything he knows. 

I'm really hoping that I'm able to do an elective rotation somewhere in Canada this September. From my talks with other IMGs this seems to be one of the main keys to having a shot. And the more I can do, the better. Especially if I can score a strong letter of recommendation out of it. And fingers crossed my vaccinated status will allow me to skip the quarantine so I can maximize my time doing rotations and hopefully, see my parents and sisters finally! Its now been 1.5 YEARS since I saw them last. 

Another thing I want to do is subscribe to a question bank for the first part of the Canadian medical licensing exam. One tip I learned, that makes sense, is to start doing the questions NOW, even though I won't be writing the exam for like a year and a half. The guy recommending this said that it will just make me that much more familiar with the style of questions and the patterns - so even if I don't KNOW that topic yet, it will prepare me much better than simply studying the content. 

So that's me for now. Lots to do. 

Update - it's been a while!

 Wow, I realized recently how long its been since I last wrote on this blog. We had just entered lock-down in March due to the coronavirus pandemic and it was a bit of an overwhelming time. And now that I'm in the middle of exams, the procrastinator in me decided I NEED to write an update.

Lots of stuff happened too, in my personal life that I just didn't want to share. The pandemic really hit my family hard in many ways and it was a struggle, but I'm happy to say that everything ended up working out for the best, even though it was hard to live through at the time. 

But I'm still in med school, albeit mostly doing distance learning but was lucky to get some clinical time in too. 4th year is zooming by...I can't believe I'm more than half way done.

My focus also turned to Instagram. A friend of mine from high school is a pretty famous Polish doctor influencer on Instagram - she has a following of 750K! Anyway, one day she did a Live about how from our graduating class, all the people that ended up pursuing medicine started something else first and she talked about me and linked my profile. I was suddenly inundated with followers too and started to get a lot of messages from other moms who dreamed of medicine but thought it was too later. Or even from women who didn't have families yet but still thought they were too old. They'd ask me is it too late? How did I do it? What's my story.

So I decided to start telling my story, and went back to the beginning, to the time BEFORE I started the blog.

I've enjoyed that format at lot and decided to run with it. If anyone who reads this blog or stumbles upon it would like to see what I'm up to, check out my instagram! It's mostly just snapshots of my life, with my journey to med school shared in "episodes" like a TV series thrown in every once in a while. I write my post both in Polish and English. I'm much more active on there and plan to continue it that way but I the perfectionist in me also needs to see this blog through to graduation.

My Instagram is: Kasia_mamamedstudent

Also I get my first dose of the Covid vaccine on Saturday morning and I can't wait!

Locked down

The Polish government just announced a total lock-down yesterday. All stores except grocery and pharmacies are to close from tonight and all flights into and out of Poland will be suspended as of tonight.

Its crazy. But also necessary, in my opinion. The sooner we stop or slow the spread, the better. No country is really prepared for this sort of pandemic and Poland especially so.

But I'm not going to lie and say that I feel totally ok about it. The idea that the borders are closed and that I can't get out is a very uncomfortable feeling. The idea that my husband is away from us and can't come back for the foreseeable future is uncomfortable. That said, I'm not freaking out or panicking because thats totally unproductive and right now my main priorities are being there for my kids. I want them to remember this time as serious but not scary. I want them to feel safe and secure and to continue to be kids.

My next priority is trying to help my school sort their shit out so we can get credit for courses where we can. My school is woefully unprepared for this sort of thing. My oldest son's school (private though), has been exemplary and have a fully functioning and sophisticated virtual learning program that they will be implementing on Monday. At least his education won't be interrupted. But I can't sit back and wait for stuff to get done - I need to do something. I had a meeting with our Dean yesterday to discuss ways to help and this is where he asked for help. At the moment he doesn't want students to be volunteering in hospitals or doctors offices so I'm going to respect his request.

I'm also going to implement a home-schooling system for my younger two. Mornings will be devoted to school type work (writing, reading, math etc) and the afternoons for playing. My nanny will be coming mid-morning or noon and will take over and then I'll do my work (and I'll try and squeeze some in while trying to study myself) and try and get some exercise in.

In the meantime I'm just grateful that my family and I are safe and secure for the time being and fingers crossed we get through this ok. And to anyone reading this - please, please, please just stay home and only leave for true essentials (food or medical care).

So day one of the covid-19 pandemic is on the books!

Man, things escalated quickly. Today in Poland they announced that public gathering places like movie theatres, museums etc were to close and later in the day also announced that all schools and daycares are to be closed as of Monday, March 16th for at least two weeks. They asked everyone to treat it as a self-quarantine and not leave the house unless necessary. Since this means the kids will be home during this time, I'll probably be walking the dog a LOT just to get out of the house! Luckily my nanny will around to help. And luckily my oldest son's school is fairly well prepared with a virtual learning system, which hopefully means he won't miss any school. But in the meantime I'm going to have to rely on my other babysitters, aka Netflix and Disney +, to step in. I may also renew the Xbox live account (we cancelled it earlier because I was sick of the fights over the Xbox).

There are also rumours that all big stores - including grocery - will be closed as of Monday as well so I decided to pop into a shop this afternoon to grab some milk (that I was just normally low on) and pick up a few things. I'm glad I went when I did because some things were already low/gone (like chicken and most canned goods) and I can imagine how much worse they will look. My nanny came with me to the shop and in spite of me pleading for her not to panic and just be reasonable with what we should be buying, she agreed but at the same time was throwing in extra packages of butter and bars of soap and bulgar wheat into the trolley. I wanted to laugh. She also grabbed the last package of toilet paper even though I reminded her that we have a bidet in the house and can easily get by without it. Sigh.

My university is completely closed until March 29th, but they also told us not to leave Poland because when courses resume, if we had decided to leave the country, we will face mandatory quarantine upon return and if that results in us missing school that is already in session, we will not be able to make it up. Which honestly I think is totally fair even though I had been toying with the idea of taking the fam to Canada for a few weeks, it really doesn't make sense during a lock-down to do this type of travelling. It's irresponsible and totally unnecessary. From my end, I plan on following the rules and staying home as much as possible.

There is also talk of how we are going to make up the time. Either it will be cancelling our Easter holiday and our week off in May and/or continue classes in to July. It would suck but I'm at a point now where I'm just not caring about any of it. I'm going to accept whatever they throw at us and take it in stride because I feel like it will just be a more pleasant - or at least more bearable - experience.

Plus I really don't want to get upset because of the effect on my kids. I can tell my middle son is feeling anxious about it all. He is upset that he can't go to soccer. He's upset because I told him he may not have his birthday party in April (based on the chats I've had with some parents, they won't be coming). Today he started to cry hysterically over my older son's phone cover (seriously). He asked me what the end of the world looks like and if this is it. I should have a word with his teachers to see what on earth they've been saying to the kids.

But frankly what I'm most worried about is Poland's ability (or rather, inability) to handle this crisis. As one of the highest doctor to patient ratios in the EU and some of the lowest percentage of GDP on health care spending in the EU, they are going to hit their capacity really quickly. The average age of doctors in Warsaw is over 50 and average age of nurses is over 55. So basically the highest risk group of people are also the front line. I've already heard one ER got shut down because the doctor tested positive for covid-19 and as it is, that they are sending people with mild symptoms home without even testing them. I'm itching to get in and help and I really hope I get the opportunity.

I'm curious to see how the next few weeks unfold. Like I said to some of my friends today, I'm sure we will all have stories about the mad coronavirus pandemic to tell our grandchildren!

COVID-19 - the fun begins

Great. Just found out that all my clinical classes, lectures, seminars and basically all events, have been cancelled by my university. We officially have nothing until March 29th. I'm planning on just studying myself in the meantime and hope and pray that my kids schools aren't closed, though I think its just wishful thinking. Thank God for my full time nanny, that's all I've got to say about it!

Anyway, I've been sort of expecting this but not so soon. I'm annoyed, of course, but honestly, because there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it, I'm not stressing. People are getting sick and dying and thats much worse than the inconvenience of having 3 weeks off (for now - chances are that it will be extended).

Frankly, at this point I'm mostly wondering if there is something practical I can do to help, like volunteer at a hospital to help with triage or something. I've heard that things got so bad in Italy they DID recruit retired doctors and students to help. I want to if I can. The only issue for me would be logistical if I do come in to contact with a positive COVID-19 person or get sick with it myself. Then what? Would I have to self-quarantine myself at home? Would I have to do it outside my home? Would my kids be allowed to be quarantined with me? But hey, I guess I'll deal with it if it even becomes an issue.

For now I'm just going to try and be patient and hope it works out.

Its Sunday afternoon and I really wish I could be doing something other than (trying) to study for the pharma retake, which is now just 6 days away. I've be studying pretty diligently for ages (pretty much since the day after I failed the first one) but at a much slower pace than I should have. It was a great lesson on how much more enjoyable  it is to study small chunks at a time instead of the same topic for hours on end, but now I'm behind where I hoped to be and it's frustrating. So the next six days will be pretty full-on.

On the flip side, I started my pediatrics rotation last week and I LOVE it. We are splitting our time between pediatrics and neonatology and both have been wonderful. Great doctors, interesting patients, getting to learn physical skills, practicing history taking and differential diagnosis. The hardest part though is watching children suffer. We had one especially who didn't even have anything majorly serious (hopefully) but seeing him in the situation he was in made ME wish I could take the sickness from him. Luckily he had the most loving and caring parents, which I was so glad to see. So far, the kids and babies we've seen had wonderful parents. But I know that there are kids with parents who are not so nice, who abandon them, who can't cope. I'm dreading meeting them because I swear, I'll just want to swoop in and adopt them all. Seriously, my husband even said he is fully expecting we will leave Poland with an adopted child.

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Another challenge is that my husband is looking for a new job now and is doing so in Canada. He quit his previous job 6 months ago and took some time off, which was great for him, but now it's back to reality and the reality is that he may be away for a while and it sucks. I miss him and not only that, he did so much of the childcare stuff that it's going to be a hard adjustment with him gone. Luckily my nanny is super flexible and will pick up the slack to some extent but still. He's hoping to find something that will allow him to work remotely from Poland or at least be flexible about it. This should be possible given the nature of the industry he is in and because he finally has that "10+ years of experience" that opens doors for him. So keep your fingers crossed!

The first semester of third year is over and I'm on term break now. And I have to admit, I'm feeling super...blah. I never seem to feel relief after an exam session. It takes me forever to unwind.

It was a tough end to it, I must admit. I ended up failing the pharma exam. I was just shy of passing by two points, but a fail is a fail. It's the first exam that I've failed since starting med school. Actually, its the first exam I've ever failed in my life, period. So it was a bit of an ego bruiser, though if I'm honest, I just wasn't prepared like I should have been. Luckily the re-take will be at the end of the month and luckily it was just a term exam and not a final, so it doesn't really affect me.

My other exams went fine. I did really well in my pathology test and radiology final. I did ok in my parasitology exam, though I did worse than I expected so I'm going to go in and have a look at my exam because I'm confused on where I went wrong.

But I've still been active with trying to improve our program and met with the Dean again. I brought some concerns I had to his attention and he told me he had a great solution and I am so happy that he is taking it seriously. We also discussed some plans and opportunities for students to prepare for the USMLE and to do electives in the US. I'm still undecided whether I'm going to pursue the US as an option for residency but I still plan to take the USMLE prep course if we manage to get it off the ground because learning more stuff can't hurt. One great thing that came out of the meeting though was that the Dean told me how much he appreciated my pro-activeness and hard work, which was nice to hear. He also said I could come to him if I ever needed a favour for anything and its nice to know that I have that in my back pocket. And nice to know in general that he appreciates what I'm doing.

In spite of everything though, I'm feeling a bit drained at the moment. A part of it is the frustration I'm feeling at not doing that well on my exams in spite of having way more time to prepare. Only one kid to take care of - though I did have to spend a bunch of time driving to hospitals and doctors offices to deal with his leg that he broke two days before we came back from Poland and because we had another strep throat scare. And had to make sure he stayed on top of his school projects.

All I feel like doing right now is lying on the couch and watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy and drinking tea. But I need to start studying for pharma...yet I need the rest (and by "rest" I mean do my tax returns, book some medical checkups, take my son to the ortho, register my middle son for school, finish some projects at home and spend some time with my little kids). Ugh, I don't mean to come off complaining because I'm grateful every day for what I'm able to do. I'm just a bit tired.

As always, I seem to be drawn to blogging when I *should* be studying for an important exam (this time its for pharmacology, dear God help me). But it's been ages so I thought I'd do an update.

I'm still really enjoying 3rd year a lot. Before Christmas we started proper clinical classes with internal medicine being my group's first one. I really enjoyed it however my group's teacher was a little over-enthusiastic about sharing his knowledge, that we didn't really get as much chance to actually practice ourselves. For example, when practicing taking a patients history, he pretty much just did it himself instead of letting us. I also got annoyed when he told me that he thinks I'm really smart but to "not let" my husband see this because "men don't like it when their wives are smarter than them". Ugh. I did respond though and I said luckily my husband is a smart guy and in any case, he is secure enough in himself that he wouldn't be threatened by a smart wife. I wasn't sure if the prof was joking or not, but either way, its was inappropriate. Reminds me of how far we still have to go.

Christmas break was great. We went to New Zealand to spend some time with my husband's family. My husband and kids went earlier than I did and he and our youngest two are staying till the beginning of February and I returned back to Poland with our oldest son (he also had to go back to school).

The only thing that kind of keeps me up at night is wondering where we will end up. I discovered that if I get foundation programme training job and finish the first year, I can move to New Zealand and continue my training there. Which would be much better than spending 5 years (minimum) in the UK. Part of me likes the idea of the UK because I just like it there but the realities of living somewhere with no family or close friends around is something that I know would be hard on us. Granted that may be the case if we end up moving back to Canada and end up in a province other than Ontario.

But at the moment everything is up in the air regarding the UK and Brexit and how that will affect my prospects there. My main goal is still somewhere in Canada with my hometown's residency program being my top choice. I can't wait until I get to apply to the elective rotations, but I still have to wait a year.

Still, time is forging ahead - I'm almost 2.5 years done and after next semester I'll be half way through medical school. It's crazy when I think about it. How far I've come, how much I've learned and how much I really love this crazy profession.

But first I have to get through my pharma mid-term, a pathology test and finals for radiology and parasitology.

I'm sorry, I can't

This is a phrase that I'm required to mutter often as a medical student that is also a parent. It's a struggle sometimes to have to turn down events because it means missing out on time with my kids, but thats the reality of being a parent and when your family is your priority. Saying it would cause me to feel a pang of guilt in the past but honestly it doesn't anymore. Frankly, I don't even like to say "I'm sorry", because I'm NOT sorry. But its a habit I'm working on - not apologizing for things that I don't need to apologize for.

But I digress. Because my family IS my priority, however important my medical education and career are, and I do make a conscious effort to balance them. There are times when my family time has to be sacrificed, like when I need to study for an exam or have a mandatory class that clashes with one of my kids school performances. Sometimes I make the decision to sacrifice my family time for non-mandatory, but important to me events. But there are other times that I choose to forgo opportunities in order to spend more time with my kids. I'd love to join the surgery club, for example, and be able to attend a surgery last minute, however I just know it wouldn't work. I'd also love to join a uni sports club but that too is just too rigid for me and can't justify an evening a week for sport when I have plenty of other time available to workout that doesn't take time away from my kids.

I think that sometimes people forget that I have kids though. I try not to bring it up too often, and I really try to not use my kids as an excuse for not getting something done (which rarely happens) - even when they ARE the reason. At the end of the day, I choose to pursue medicine while having a family and there are some costs to that, like less time available to study or take part in extra curricular activities. It is what it is and I'm not bitter about it at all. I accept it and I also try to be as organized as I can to minimize my time away AND be able to fulfill my academic obligations. But what does sometimes frustrate me is having to justify it. Like not being able to attend a club meeting on a weekend. People are understanding, but I often get challenged on it...like being asked "but couldn't you come for just an hour?" Not, not even for "just" an hour. Because its never "just" an hour - I have to arrange it in advance with my husband (who may have planned on me being there to get something done), I have to commute, I have to find parking, the meeting will likely go over because no one else is rushed...and it ends up being like 4 hours or more of my precious weekend time.

This problem won't go away. It's going to follow me for the rest of medical school, through residency and beyond. And even though my kids are getting older and more independent, it doesn't mean that I will need to spend less time with them (and of course my husband). Plus I LIKE to spend time with them. They are great kids. And people will just have to get used to me saying "I can't".

3rd year begins!

I realized that I haven't been as active in posting lately. The summer was a busy one and then school just seemed to start again, all of a sudden.

Classes have been in session now for two weeks and I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things. Not to mention that the format is very different this year. Our classes seem to be done in bulk blocks as apposed to spread out over the semester. For example, I have parasitology and microbiology four days a week for three weeks and then parasitology is officially done and microbiology doesn't start up again until May for another three week block. And we have our first "midterm" on Tuesday! But then other classes we have consistently throughout the year, like Medical Polish (which I decided that I want to take as this is a weakness of mine - yes, I speak Polish fluently but I don't know most of the names of diseases in Polish and when I take internal medicine later in the year, I'll likely be the Polish "translator" student for my group, so I need to know my stuff).

So far though, I must say I'm enjoying the year so much more than last year. The classes that I have this year are so much more interesting because they seem so much more relevant to medicine. Plus we start actual clinical classes! THIS is what I've been waiting for.

I was going to do a post about going for what you want and how you need to really lean in, but that doing it the right way can seem - and will be - selfish.

But I kind of don't have the energy at the moment to delve into that, so it will have to wait for a future post.

However I wanted to update that I start my ER internship on Monday! I'm kind of cheating because it will be at the orthopedic hospital thats close to my house and they only take in wounds and orthopedic injuries, so my experience will be limited to those things but its close to my house and at least I'll get SOME experience. Unfortunately, I've learned a lot of people just get their internship forms signed without doing ANY work, so I don't feel bad. What I do feel bad about is that I totally forgot to order the suture practice kit last week to practice suturing on...I hope that if a wound comes in that the Dr I'll be working with will show me what to do, because I can't remember anything from the suturing course I took earlier this year and I'd love the chance to do some real live suturing.

Then in late August I'll be starting a family medicine internship. I met with the Dr I'll be working with today and he told me told me to look up the most frequently prescribed hypertension medications, because apparently thats the number one medicine he prescribes in his practice. But he seemed like a really decent guy who loves his job, so I look forward to working with him.

Otherwise I'm really enjoying this summer. Its not nearly as nice as last summer was, weather-wise, but I'm still enjoying it nonetheless. I've been able to get a lot of exercise in and it feels really good. I would love to figure out how to maintain this level of activity once school starts again.

A third of the way

Wow, I just realized today that I never did an end of year post! This is probably because as soon as exams ended, my in-laws came to visit us from NZ and then we all did a road trip to Croatia. We just got back on Sunday and are settling in to the summer for real.

I'm happy to say that I passed all my exams again and I'm very happy with my grades. I did much better than just pass but I'm mostly just happy I can enjoy the summer with my family without worrying about having to do any retakes.

Next up will be my family medicine summer internship (still in the process of organizing this).

In the meantime I'm going to chill, exercise and read some Scandinavian crime novels. And celebrate that I'm a third of the way through!